My daughter, Rowan
by daughterofpercabeth417
Summary: 8 years after the Dark War, Clary and Jace lose their newly born daughter, Rowan, to an attack made by a follower of Sebastian. 15 years later, the shadowhunters of the NY Institute find a mysterious girl who might be key to finding out what really happened... if she doesn't get them all killed first.
1. Chapter 1

**I'm really sorry for this. It just came to me and I had to write it down. Please don't kill me.**

 **Chapter 1**

Jace's POV

 _It had been so long since they'd been to Idris. As beautiful as the city was, it brought back painful memories. So much death and destruction had occurred there. It was hard to believe that it had been almost 8 years since everything had happened, and still they had nightmares about the things they had endured. But here they were, facing it all again._

 _"_ _Are you okay?" a young man asked his wife. She was holding a small baby bundled in a pink blanket. The name Rowan was sewn onto the edge. Freckles dotted her face that matched her mother's, who had fiery red hair and bright green eyes._

 _The woman sighed. "I don't know, Jace. I've never left her alone before." The man – Jace – chuckled, shaking his head._

 _"_ _I don't think you have anything to worry about, Clary," Jace, who had light blonde hair and golden eyes, assured her. "The place seems good. I haven't heard anything bad about it." Clary looked up at Jace (she was quite short), a nervous look in her eyes. Noticing, Jace wrapped an arm around his wife and said, "Rowan will be_ fine _. I promise."_

 _Clary nodded, eyes distant. Jace removed his arm and took his wife's hand instead. She glanced up at her husband and smiled. "I love you."_

 _"_ _I love you, too."_

Clary's POV

 _"_ _Somehow I think the Clave has managed to make those meetings more boring every time they hold them," Jace said. "Instead of discussing politics, they talk about more ways to try and bore us to sleep."_

 _Clary laughed, shaking her head. "I highly doubt that, but believe that if you want to. I won't try and convince you otherwise." She took Jace's hand as they carefully walked down the hill that led up to the Accords Hall. The sun was setting, making the sky hues of gold, pink, yellow, and orange. Clary glanced behind her at the Hall, and instantly she was dying for her paints or_ something _to capture the way the sky reflected off the glass, casting rainbows ground all around them._

 _A sharp scream pulled Clary from her thoughts. She and her husband locked eyes, and sprinted towards the direction of the sound. A small group was rushing towards… No, Clary thought. She recognized these streets from that morning. All the store names and houses, but it couldn't be. She was certain. But as she, Jace, and other Shadowhunters who too had heard the shout kept running, Clary's certainty lessened and lessened._

 _By the time they'd found where the scream had come from, a large mob had formed. Clary, being only 5'2" and at the back, couldn't see what had happened. She knew where they were, though. And she was dreading every scenario that came to mind._

 _"_ _Jace?" Clary whispered. He didn't respond. She repeated his name again, louder this time. "What happened? Jace, you know I'm short and I can't see._ Tell me what happened _." But he didn't respond. Instead he rushed forward, pushing through the mob, Clary on his heels. Tears were welling in her eyes._

 _Jace and Clary threw open the door. Just hours before, they'd left their daughter here so they could go to the Clave meeting. At first glance, you wouldn't even be able to tell something was wrong. But something_ was _wrong. Something was very wrong. Clary could feel it._

 _Slowly, the young woman peered into one of the cribs. Inside was a baby boy in a blue onesie. The child looked very small, like it was a newborn. His skin was pale, making his long, dark eyelashes pop out on his face. The only thing that was wrong was the long, deep cut across the baby's neck. It looked like it had been done quickly and carelessly, as though the killer was moving fast. The blood left a large stain on the front of the baby's clothes and on the white sheets in the crib. Clary's eyes widened and she stumbled backwards, bumping into something behind her. She screamed._

 _"_ _Shh," she heard Jace say. "It's just me." He wrapped his arms around her, and she turned around and embraced him tightly. Warm, salty tears were pouring down her cheeks now._

 _Clary wiped her eyes and looked up and Jace. "The others, are they…" Clary couldn't finish the question, but Jace knew. He nodded gravely. "And –"Clary took a shaky breath. "And Rowan?" Jace looked away, and a single tear rolled down his cheek. That was all the assurance Clary needed to know, but she wasn't ready to believe it._

 _"_ _No…" Clary whispered, shaking her head. "No, Rowan's fine. She has to be. I would know if she wasn't." Her voice dropped even quieter. "I'm her mother." Jace stepped forward and took Clary's hands. He slowly guided her over to another crib. Inside was a baby girl with fair skin and freckles who was wrapped in pink blanket. She too was murdered , the same way as the other little boy. A name was sewn onto the side of the blanket: Rowan._

 _Clary couldn't move, couldn't breathe. Rowan, her daughter, her baby girl, was gone. And she wasn't even there to protect her. "I've failed," Clary wheezed out. "I've failed her, Jace. I couldn't save her, and now she's gone. My baby is gone –" her voice broke and she burst into tears. Clary was shaking and hyperventilating, so much so that she could see the world going darker. Suddenly, her legs gave out and she collapsed to her knees. Breathing became increasingly difficult, like someone was pressing down on her chest. Her senses went into overdrive, making everything seem louder and brighter. With one hand on her chest and the other gripping a leg on the crib, she squeezed her eyes shut. Clary knew what was happening but she couldn't make it stop. She was having a panic attack_ _ **(A/N: This is how I experience panic attacks. I am in no way saying that this is what happens to everyone. Panic attacks are different for each person)**_ _, something that hadn't happened to her since she was fifteen._

 _"_ _Jace," she wheezed. He was already on his knees next to her, arms wrapped around her protectively. Clary could hear his voice in her ear, quietly whispering soothingly, trying to help her and calm her down. Slowly, her breathing steadied and feeling came back to her limbs. Clary wasn't totally sure of how long the panic attack lasted; time was harder to measure when she had one._

 _Clary looked up at the room. People had begun entering, talking quietly among themselves and trying to make sense of what had happened in what was supposed to be their safe haven. Gratefully Clary realized the no one she knew had come in. She would have hated for her family to see her like this, like the weak and vulnerable girl she'd left behind with her mundane life so many years ago._

 _"_ _You're not weak," Jace whispered, as though he'd read her mind. "Not for reacting like this. There is nothing wrong with how you responded, nothing wrong with you. Don't ever think that. And you didn't fail Rowan." Clary looked into his faded gold eyes. "You could never,_ ever _fail her." Slowly, Jace took his wife's hands and pulled her to her feet. Once standing, he carefully wrapped his arms around her. Jace lifted Clary's lifted chin so they locked eyes. He wiped the tears off her cheeks and tucked a strand of her fiery red hair behind her ear._

 _Jace leaned down and kissed her cheek softly. "I love you, Clary Herondale. You know that, right?" She nodded. "Good. Don't ever forget it."_

 _"_ _I won't. I love you too."_

 _The young couple turned their attention towards a small group that had formed at one of the walls. People were muttering amongst themselves, seemingly obsessed with a marking on the wall. A young woman stepped forward. "What is that? What does it mean?"_

 _"_ _It's the Mortal Cup. The Clave is behind this," an older man answered. The small mob erupting, shouting and arguing at one another. Clary and Jace pushed forward to get a better look at the symbol on the wall. It wasn't the Mortal Cup._

 _They locked eyes, silently communicating with each other and knowing what they had to do. Jace pushed his way towards the entrance while Clary maneuvered her way to a set of chairs and climbed atop one of them. Moments later, the lights went out and on again, silencing everyone._

 _"_ _That's not the Mortal Cup," Clary said loudly. "It's the_ Infernal _Cup, from 8 years ago. Whoever, or whatever did this, must be stopped. Because if this symbol is appearing again, that means that a very dark force is back. A force on the side of my dead brother, Sebastian Morgenstern._

Jace's POV

 _A knock at the door came just as Jace collapsed against his chair. They' been looking for almost seven years, and never was any real progress made. All they ever found were false leads. But they never stopped looking. Papers spread out across the table with markings and codes that only the creator would understand. There was a manhunt going on at the New York Institute. For days and nights, every inhabitant was pouring themselves into research and detective work, putting all their energy into finding_ him _. It. Whatever_ it _was. The most important thing was ridding the world of anyone and anything on the side of Sebastian Morgenstern. Not to be confused with Jonathon. It was an unspoken agreement between Jace and Clary that they were two different people. Especially after they had died in Hell. Recently, the Shadowhunters had found clues to where whatever it was they were looking for was hiding. The only problem was pinpointing an exact location._ "Somewhere in New York City" _was very helpful. Sort of._

 _Not really._

 _"_ _Come in," Jace called. A young woman with jet-black hair and dark eyes burst through the door. "We found it. We found his hiding place."_

 _Jace's eyes widened and he jumped to his feet. "Where is it, Izzy?" he asked as he went across the room to grab his sword and stele._

 _His adoptive sister –Izzy– smirked. "232 Riverside Drive." Jace looked at Izzy puzzlingly. She knew what he was asking, and nodded. "Yes, that_ is _where Sebastian was resurrected 15 years ago. Almost funny, isn't it?" Jace pushed passed her out of the room, only stopped at the end of the hall. He glanced back and said: "Yes, almost poetic."_

 _Two and a time, Jace and Izzy ran down the steps of the Institute. Just before the gates stood Clary and Alec (Simon and Magnus were watching the kids), all fully geared and ready to go. They turned as the sound of their shoes hitting the stone steps rang out through the air. Jace and Clary embraced each other as he reached the grass. This was just one of countless missions they'd gone on together, trying to bring justice to the death of their daughter. But for seven years, time and time again they failed, mislead by false clues and trails of bread crumbs that led them nowhere._

 _And yet, there was something that felt different about this find. There was a gut feeling that Jace just couldn't shake. This one felt right. This one was going to be it. He just knew it._

Clary's POV

 _A sinking feeling was growing in the pit of Clary's stomach as they approached the building. So much had happened there. Too much. The attack from Lilith, Sebastian's return, losing Jace. It still haunted her sometimes. Then again, most of did._

 _"_ _We should scout the building in pairs," Alec suggested as he handed Jace his stele._ Parabatai _always created stronger runes. "Each duo can take a few floors."_

 _Jace and Izzy agreed, but Clary was skeptical. There was something bugging her about this mission and she wanted to check it out. Alone. "I don't know," she admitted. "If we went solo we could cover more ground faster. And we are all strong enough fighters to last on our own, at least until someone comes with backup." No one seemed to object. "Perfect. I can take the upper floors and the roof." Once the group finished their runes they carefully walked towards the front door._

 _As Clary began to climb the stairs, she felt a hand on her wrist. She turned and saw Jace at the bottom of the steps. Clary threw her arms around her husband. Jace was clearly surprised, but he wrapped his arms around her tightly. It was unlike Clary to be so sentimental before a possible fight, but she couldn't shake the feeling something really big was going to happen. Jace noticed the difference too, and he asked why the sudden change._

 _Clary rested her chin on Jace's shoulder. It was strange to finally be at his height; being a few stairs above someone can make you taller. "I love you," she whispered, dodging his question. And with that, Clary pulled away and quickly climbed the rest of the steps_

 _The roof looked nearly identical as to how she'd left it 15 years ago. Some plants had died and were withering away, but otherwise it appeared to be untouched. The coffin was even still there, broken and open. Clary shuddered at the memory._

 _As Clary examined the roof she tried to find something that would calm her nerves. Something crossed the roof behind her. Her sword practically flew into her hand as Clary whipped around. Clary came face to face with a body of white scales. She barely had time to mentally identify the demon before it attacked her._ Raum demon _, she thought._

 _Clary ducked and rolled to the side as one of the spike-encrusted tentacles swiped at her head. As she jumped onto her feet, Clary stabbed her sword at the demon's leg. It screeched and attempted another blow at Clary, who used her weapon to slice off the tentacle. Before the_ Raum _demon could recover, she kicked it backwards. Clary ran at the demon, which was raising its tentacles to strike again. Grabbing the hilt of her sword with both hands, Clary stabbed downward at the demons gut. Just as the tip of the sword pierced the scales, a tentacle wrapped itself around Clary's left arm and threw her to the side. She gasped as the small needles cut through her soft skin. Desperately trying to ignore the thin-but-deep cuts stinging up and down her arm, Clary ran out to the center of the roof; she needed space to fight. The_ Raum _demon charged at Clary, but her sword was already raised and swinging at the white-scaled body. Black fluid had begun to spill just as the remaining arm wrapped itself around the young woman's body._

 _Suddenly, Clary remembered why she had the sinking feeling in her stomach on the way to the building._

 **(A/N Lord of Shadows, page 61, sorry for spoilers. It is slightly adjusted for conversation/speaking specification purposes.)**

"'A knowledge of what?" Emma asked softly.

"'That I'm going to die," Clary said. "Not a long time from now. Soon"

 _Apparently, soon meant now._

Jace's POV

 _The moment Jace heard the crash from the roof he began running up the stairs two at a time. He threw open the door and, for a moment, froze. In the center of the roof were Clary and a_ Raum _demon, whose tentacle was wrapped around his wife. Jace watched as Clary crumpled to the floor, and for a moment he remembered her in the same spot the first time they were on this roof._

 _In the same moment, Jace snapped back into action and sprinted forward. Just as the demon moved to finish Clary, Jace whipped out his seraph blade and sliced it in half. As the demon vanished, Jace dropped to his knees and pulled his wife into his lap. She was bruised and bloody, her whole core and forearms were cut up with deep marks from the_ Raum _demon's tentacles. Clary was breathing short, heavy breaths, like she was having trouble bringing oxygen into her lungs._

 _"_ _This might hurt a little," Jace reminded Clary as he pulled his stele from his belt and began drawing a healing rune. The young woman yelped as the stele touched her skin. Jace winced at the sound, but kept his hand steady as he finished the rune._

 _Jace watched intently and waiting impatiently for the rune to do its work. Instead, it faded into Clary's skin. The Shadowhunter tightened his grip on the stele and tried again, putting more force and power behind drawing. Again, it did nothing, and again Jace tried but finding no outcome._

 _"_ _Stop," Clary whispered. "The wounds are too deep. It won't work." She raised her good hand and placed it on her husband's cheek. "It's okay."_

 _"_ _No, Clary. It's not okay. Just let me try again. Or the Institute," Jace remembered. "Simon is there and_ parabatai _runes are always stronger. Just hang on 'til then." He tried again to draw a successful_ iratze _and again it didn't work. By now his hands were beginning to shake._

 _Clary pulled her hand from Jace's cheek and took the stele. She laid it down on the ground next to them. "Jace, I promise you I will be fine." Her voice was low and raspy, and her breathes were growing quicker and heavier. "But I need you to stay strong for me."_

 _Jace shook his head. "But,_ I _need_ you _to stay with me, Clary. I can't lose you too." Clary smiled sadly, and Jace knew there was no point in continuing. Clary didn't want it. Regretfully, the man took a mental picture in his head of his wife laying in his lap, of her green eyes and her fiery red hair. A picture of all of her._

 _"_ _I love you, Jace Herondale."_

Simon's POV

 _Simon reached up and grabbed a bowl from the cabinet. He was on dinner duty while Magnus stayed with the kids. Tonight was pasta, seeing as that was the only thing Simon knew how to make without butchering it._

 _A sudden burst of pain shot through Simon's body. "_ Clary _," he whispered._

 _Then he collapsed._

 **I'm really really really sorry. If it makes you feel any better, it was really hard to write.**


	2. Chapter 2

**OH MY GOSH! So sorry this took so long! If you read my Emergency Author's Note, you know that I was at camp the last three weeks of July and had no way to write online! But believe me I worked by ass off to get his written and uploaded. I hope you all enjoy!**

 **Chapter 2**

 _Unknown POV_

The girl no longer jumped at the crack of the whip. Although, when something has happened to you for ten of the fifteen years of your life, it wouldn't make you jump either. But the pain was still there. The pain never stopped coming, never dulled, never showed any mercy. The pain had a name.

Its name was Father.

The girl squeezed her eyes shut and shoved her fisted hand in her mouth to stifle the scream. She could feel the skin on her back splitting and the blood spilling from the gashes. Over and over, indefinite and nearly unbearable. But she did bear it, because there was nothing else to do.

But today was different. It became different the moment a loud, metallic clang ripped the girl from her thoughts. "Eat," a voice commanded. The girl knew the voice. It belonged to the man who fathered her for fifteen years. She looked up at him. His dark eyes felt like daggers as he stared at her. He raised an eyebrow expectantly at the girl. She turned to the platter dropped on the ground. There was a bowl of —well, she wasn't sure what it was, but she always ate it anyway; there was never anything else— and a picture of a group of people: A man with golden hair with his arms around a woman with jet-black hair and a man with similar hair. In front of the man with halo-hair was a young boy of about eight or nine with the same hair. The dark-haired boy was holding hands with another man with tan skin, whose hand was on the shoulder of one of the two boys standing beside them. Next to the girl was a man with glasses. One the other side of them were three teenagers who all looked to be of a similar age to the girl.

"Why?" the girl croaked. She knew what he wanted her to do. He wanted her to pick one. She knew what is for, but still the girl tried to deny it and pray it was for something, anything else, but it was impossible.

The man smirked and turned for the door. "Because if you do this, you get to go free." The girl inhaled sharply. Freedom. Freedom from all the torture and the pain and the emptiness. Freedom meant a chance. Her father noticed the emotion flash through the girl's eyes. "Yes, Rowan. Freedom."

 _Izzy's POV_

"He's in her room again," Izzy sighed as she entered the kitchen for dinner. "I saw the light on." She looked at her brother, Alec, expectantly. When this first started, Clary and Jace would sit together, imagining what could have been had they not lost their daughter. Slowly they healed and eventually they left the stuffed animals and crib behind. But when they lost Clary eight years ago, Jace relapsed. He rarely left the room, and it had worried Isabelle at the time. And yet again, slowly Jace healed, or at least became the closest thing to "healed". But Jace was never fully the same after he'd lost Clary and Rowan.

"Izzy, he only does this twice a year," Alec countered. "It's not worth trying to get him out of there, because it won't work. And he's allowed to mou—" There was a click of a door opening and they turned their heads to see Jace standing in the doorway. He looked at each of them individually and then quietly strolled across the tile floor to the refrigerator. The whole room was silent as three pairs of eyes trailed Jace across the room.

He opened the refrigerator door. "You can keep talking, you know." Jace closed the door, an apple in hand. He raised an eyebrow at his siblings. As he walked back toward the entrance of the kitchen when Izzy rushed over and grabbed Jace's arm, preventing him from leaving. He turned to face his adoptive sister, whose eyes were full of sympathy that poorly hid the worry that Isabelle was feeling.

Izzy bit her lip nervously and said, "You can stay for dinner if you want." She heard Alec sigh from across the room and mutter something that sounded like: "beaten by default, doesn't count". If she wasn't so focused on getting Jace out of his daughter's room, which brought back so many painful memories, she would have laughed. Instead, three chattering voices echoed into the room through the open doorway. They belonged to Natalie, Andrew, and Elliot, who were Simon and Isabelle's three children. Andrew was two years older than Natalie and Elliot, who were twins.

"I'm telling you, that knife was not in the center," Natalie exclaimed. "It was close, I'll give you that. But it was _not_ completely in the middle." Natalie had long dark hair and brown eyes that could slice into your soul like daggers if she glared at you. She was almost exactly like her mother, except for the fact that she could not walk in high heels higher than 5 inches.

Andrew raised an eyebrow. "Natalie, I don't care what you think you saw," he argued," but my knife was spot-on." Andrew was, coincidentally, a spitting image of who he was named after: Andrew Lightwood, his great-grandfather. **(A/N: That is what the family tree I found online said, so sorry if it's wrong.)**

Natalie and Andrew turned to Elliot who, as always, had his face hidden behind a book, oblivious to the fact that his glasses were about to fall of his nose. He looked up and glanced between his twin sister and older brother. "Oh, no," he said quickly, shaking his head. "I am not getting involved. This is between the two of you."

"Yeah, but I'm your _twin sister_ ," Natalie reminded Elliot. Andrew scoffed. Natalie was known for using the "twin card" more than she should have when she and Andrew got into arguments.

"How could I forget," Elliot muttered. Andrew laughed and gave his younger brother a high-five. "Natalie, we might be twins, but you're still the only girl." Izzy smiled to herself. Years ago she was the only girl until Jace had brought Clary to the Institute in New York.

Isabelle turned away from Jace. "And Natalie should be proud of it." She put her arm around her daughter. "You can set the table tonight, boys. And where is your dad?"

"He's putting stuff away in the training room," Natalie answered. She turned to Jace, looking expectant. "Are you going to have dinner with us tonight?" Isabelle winced. Natalie, Elliot and Andrew didn't know about Rowan or what today was to Jace. Max and Rafe, Magnus and Alec's adopted kids, knew the bare minimum. It wasn't exactly a family party/cocktail conversation material.

Jace smiled sadly. "Sure. Why not?" Isabelle glanced back at her older brother, who shrugged.

Izzy reached out to touch her adoptive brother's arm. "Are you sure, Jace? You don't have to stay if you don't want to." Natalie turned from her uncle to her mom, confused and seemingly slightly hurt. Part of Izzy wanted to tell Natalie and her brothers everything, but it wasn't her business to say. It was Jace's, and if he ever wanted to tell his niece and nephews how his family fell apart, he would.

"Yes." Jace lowered his voice. "I think it's time, Izzy. I can't keep falling back into this. It hurts too much." Isabelle's eyes quickly met Jace's. He smiled sadly and nodded. Jace turned back to Natalie. "So, what's for dinner toni–"

Simon burst into the kitchen. "Guys, we have a problem. I checked one of the city scanners to see if any extra patrols were needed tonight on my way down. There's a huge cluster of demonic energy on the edge of the city." He whipped out his phone and showed a picture to the group. On the screen was a map of part of the city: street lines and names, subway routes, outlines of neighborhoods, and a bright green cluster of small circles signaling a huge outburst of demonic energy.

"By the angel, another demonic cult?" Alec exclaimed. "My patience for mundanes is wearing thin very quickly. I'll meet you guys downstairs in 5 minutes." He walked out of the kitchen, closely followed by Andrew, Elliot and Natalie.

 _Rowan's POV_

"I don't understand," Rowan admitted. "Those people, they're your family?" Her father slammed his hands of the table and Rowan jumped in her chair.

"No. They took someone from me and they need to pay," he growled. The man sat down in the chair across from Rowan. "Years ago, I stole something from them, something very precious. But they did not break. So again, I tortured them with loss and suffering, but again they did not give up. But I _will_ break them."

Rowan looked at the man she called Father, frightened and confused. "I still don't understand what I am supposed to do. And what those people have to do with it." Her father picked up a piece of paper and walked over to Rowan. He set the paper down in front of her. It was a picture of the people – a family, Rowan assumed.

"These people," her father said through gritted teeth, "ruined my life. They took everything from me and _will_ suffer. And you will make sure that happens." A million thoughts zoomed around Rowan's head as her father explained his plan. If this worked, she'd be free. All she had to do was pick one person out of the group of people, those horrible people that'd hurt her father, who was going to die. Then, Rowan never had to feel the pain again. She could start over.

 _Jace's POV_

Light footsteps echoed through the front hall as the group readied for patrols. Jace turned his head to see a small boy running towards him dressed in toy gear. Matthew was a spitting image of Jace's younger self. He was born a year before Clary died, so he didn't remember her. Matthew sometimes asked questions, but didn't seem to mind most of the time. Isabelle was his mother-figure and he was happy that way. Although, Matthew didn't really have much of a reason to question anything. Things had been the same way at home for his nine short years alive, and Jace meant to keep it that way. He wanted to give his son a more stable childhood than what he'd had.

"Daddy, I want to come too," Matthew exclaimed. He waved the toy sword in his hand around and pretended to fight demons and monsters. Jace laughed and crouched down next to Matthew.

"Maybe next time, Matt," Jace offered. Matthew pouted for a moment. Jace stood up and raised an eyebrow, as if to say he wouldn't fall for his son's puppy-dog eyes. The boy giggled in response. "Now go get ready for bed and someone will be up soon." Matthew ran off down the hallway, his footsteps fading the farther he got from the front hall.

Natalie stepped forward. "Speaking of, who _is_ going to stay with Matthew tonight?" She looked at her family. They returned her stare expectantly. Natalie groaned. "Fine, I'll stay this time. But you all owe me one." The rest of the group watched her storm off back into the Institute.

A loud bang turned Jace and the others' heads. The sensor that was once in Simon's hand was now in pieces on the floor. "Okay, clearly the demonic energy here is excessively high," Simon began. "Andrew, Elliot, I'm sticking you two on the perimeter. Nothing gets in or out. The rest of us will scope out the place."

"We should break off into pairs," Izzy suggested. "It's too dangerous here to explore alone. Jace and Alec, you guys take the upper floors, and Simon and I will take the lower ones." Isabelle uncoiled her whip and walked off towards the front entrance of the abandoned building, Simon following closely behind. _It's been a while_ , Jace thought. And it had been. It had been a very long time since they had gone on a bigger patrol like this one. Jace took a deep breath and started forward.

Alec put his hand out to stop his _parabatai_ from continuing. "Are you sure you're okay?" Jace nodded, though he wasn't sure who he was lying to more: his _parabatai_ or himself. Nonetheless, the two began approaching the building. Quietly, Jace pulled out his seraph blade. Without the ability to successfully use Sensors, he knew he needed to be extra careful, especially with the high demonic energy levels. Soon, Alec followed his lead and readied his bow and arrows.

Once they reached the next floor, Jace signaled at Alec that they should split up left and right. Alec nodded, and headed to the first hallway to their left. Jace quickly drew a Soundless rune and moved towards the other side of the floor. The first hallway that broke off from the main floor was empty, as was the next and the one after that. Jace began to question if there was any sort of demon here at all.

"Jace," Alec called. "You are going to want to see this." Surprised, Jace walked back through the main area of the floor. He found Alec in the entry to the third room on the left. Jace looked over his shoulder and his eyes widened. In the corner of the room there was a young girl, perhaps fifteen or sixteen, with long strawberry blonde hair and bright green eyes. She was in a dirty, blood-stained nightgown. Jace sheathed his sword and pushed his way past Alec to approach the girl.

As Jace kneeled down next to the girl, she looked up at him frightfully. He reached out to her, but she flinched back. "Hey, hey, hey. We're not going to hurt you," Jace promised. "What's your name?" The girl waited a moment, then scooted father away and shook her head. Jace frowned. He stood up and walked over to Alec.

"What do we do with her?" Alec asked. "We can't exactly take her back to the Institute with us. We don't know anything about her."

"Not exactly," Jace contradicted. "She can see us, so she has the Sight. I'm almost positive she's not a Downworlder or demon; she shows no signs of being one. That pretty much leaves Shadowhunter or a mundane with the Sight." He glanced back at the girl, who somehow managed to look more scared than she had a moment ago. Jace lowered his voice. "If she'll let us, I think we should take her back to the Institute. We don't have a reason not to."

Alec's eyes sighed angrily. "I hate it when you're right." Jace smirked and walked back over to the girl. He crouched down next to her. Carefully, he reached out his hand and took the girl's. She flinched, but slowly surrendered and let him pull her to her feet.

Jace turned back to Alec. "Go find Simon and Isabelle. Grab the boys and meet us outside." The dark-haired Shadowhunter nodded and rushed off. The other returned his gaze to the girl. "My name is Jace. If you'll let us, we want to help you. I live in a place that can you stay in, at least for a little while. Do you want to go?" After a moment, the girl nodded. Jace smiled and led the girl back down the stairs to the front of the building.

"… find nothing? Not one demon? We found nothing but demons," Isabelle complained. She noticed Jace coming and gave him a look of confusion and frustration. "How did you find no demons?"

"You may have found demons, but we found a girl."

Izzy blinked. "A what?"

Alec and Jace responded in unison. "A girl." The young girl stepped out from behind Jace, avoiding eye contact with any of them. Jace watched the others' eyes scan her up and down. The girl looked terrified.

"What are going to do with her?" Elliot asked.

Andrew stepped forward. "Yeah, we can't just bring some random person back to the Institute. Can we?"

Alec approached his nephews. "Actually, we can. The girl appears to be completely harmless. Normally we wouldn't do this, but she can see us and doesn't show any signs of being in any way connected to the Downworld."

"I hope you're right about this," Izzy muttered. She walked over to a wall coded with graffiti and drew the Portal rune Clary created years ago. Suddenly the Institute appeared inside and Isabelle stepped through. Jace heard the girl gasp.

"Don't worry," he said to her quietly as the others stepped through the Portal. "It's harmless. Just don't think of anything else but the image in the Portal. I'll be right behind you." The girl nodded and swallowed hard. She stepped forward and faced the Portal. After a few deep breaths, the girl finally stepped through the Portal.

"I really hope she made it," Jace muttered as he stepped through.

 _Rowan's POV_

The Institute was huge. And she had only seen one room so far. It was kind of overwhelming. Just as the Portal began to close, Jace stepped through. Rowan smiled. It was hard to believe that he had done anything so horrible, as her father had told her. After all, he'd been so nice to her.

"Daddy!" a young voice called out. A small boy with identical features to Jace ran into the room. He was wearing pajamas and was being chased by a girl who looked like the dark-haired woman with the whip. Rowan shuddered.

"Matthew, what are you doing out of bed?" Jace asked. He turned to the girl who sighed. She was pretty. Really pretty. Rowan was suddenly very self-conscious of her dirty nightgown.

The other girl – who appeared to be the same age as Rowan – approached Jace. "Sorry! I tried to stop him, but we heard you come in and he got excited." Jace chuckled and swung Matthew into his arms. The other girl glanced over at Rowan. "Who is she?"

"Natalie, we found her on the patrol tonight," the woman with the whip said. "Be nice." Rowan watched as Natalie's demeanor changed from playful to guarded in a split second. It was kind of creepy. Natalie nodded slowly as she eyed Rowan up and down. "We don't know much about her," the woman continued. "Just where we found –"

"Rowan," interrupted Rowan softly. All eyes turned to face her, and she instantly regretted saying anything. It was too late now. "My name is Rowan."


	3. Chapter 3

**Welcome back! Sorry it took so long to update! School's started so I don't have as much time to write. My goal is to update at least once a month. Alright, onto Chapter 3.**

 **Chapter 3**

 _Rowan's POV_

Bright green eyes stared back at Rowan. She had never seen herself before. The mirror seemed to reflect everything: all her secrets, all her fears, all her emptiness. But it didn't really, for it was just a mirror. All it showed was a girl with tangled, strawberry-blonde hair and green eyes who hid a soul that had been broken a thousand times over. These people – whose names she'd learned were Elliot, Andrew, Simon, Alec, Izzy, and someone called Magnus who was coming over the next morning – had been nothing but absolutely kind to her since she'd arrived. Maybe her father was wrong about them. Maybe it was all a misunderstanding.

On the other hand, maybe these people were lying. Maybe they wanted to hurt her the way they had hurt her father, and leave her angry and set on revenge for the rest of her life. Maybe they would betray her and leave her for nothing.

And yet, maybe not.

So many thoughts were running through Rowan's head as she looked around her temporary room. There was a bed and a dresser and a closet. There were windows and lights and mirrors. And a door. There was a huge door made out of dark wood with nice designs and it opened into a huge hallway. Gosh, the hallways. The hallways were a maze; Rowan never thought she'd be able to make it through it all without getting lost. But it didn't matter. There were more important things to think about, like getting her freedom and finishing what she came here to start.

A knock on the door made Rowan jump. Isabelle peaked her head in, and then quickly moved inside. "Hello," she said. "I was just wondering if you needed anything. Are you hungry? Cold? Hot? You're probably tired. I can go." Isabelle looked at Rowan expectantly, who resisted the urge to inch away.

Rowan shifted back and forth on her feet. "I'm a little dirty, I suppose," she said quietly. She bit her lip

Isabelle's face lit up. "Oh! Of course. I'll grab some towels and show you where the showers are. Follow me." She opened the door and motioned for Rowan to follow her.

As Rowan trailed behind Isabelle, she examined the hallways. It felt like as each hallway ended, she was transported back to the beginning, as each hallway looked the exact same. It was all grayish-brown bricks, large tapestries of angels, and doors made of heavy dark wood. Rowan wondered if she'd die of starvation because she got lost with no food before she could help her father.

After what felt like hours, even though it was probably only a few minutes, Rowan and Isabelle reached the bathroom. There was a huge shower on one side, and an off-white counter and sink on the other. It seemed so simple, but it was nicer than anything Rowan had ever seen. Above the counter was a mirror that took up the whole half of the wall. _Why are there so many mirrors?_ Rowan wondered. It was unnerving, always seeing yourself, especially when you had never before.

"… and there is soap already in the shower," Isabelle finished. Rowan realized that she had been speaking and silently kicked herself for not listening. It might have been important, something vital to her father's plan. Dismissing the thought for now, Rowan turned her attention back to Isabelle who said, "Is there anything else I can get you?"

Rowan made a small smile as she stared at her toes. "You're nervous. I can tell." Isabelle's jaw dropped a little bit. "But you don't have to be. What you're doing now, it's better than anything anyone has ever done for me."

Isabelle smiled. "Anything you need, just ask. Don't be shy, Rowan." She set a few towels down on the counter and slid past Rowan to exit the bathroom. "And thank you."

As Isabelle shut the door behind her, Rowan turned to shower. There was a small shelf space with different soaps and a knob with red and blue markings. She slid open the glass door and turned the knob towards the red. A large blast of water shot out from the showerhead above Rowan. The water was cool, but warming quickly. Carefully Rowan stripped down and stepped into the shower, sliding the glass door closed behind her. The water burned a tiny bit, but it was soothing in a way. She sat down in the tub and rested her head against the tile, watching the dirt and grime leave her skin. As much as she tried, Rowan couldn't find any reason to hate these people, any evidence that they'd done anything so horrible that would make her father want to punish them so extremely.

Once finished, Rowan stepped out of the shower and reached for a towel. As she dried her arms and legs, Rowan turned back to the mirror. It was fogged over with steam, so much so that she could no longer see herself in the mirror. Rowan smiled. She didn't want to see her face.

Rowan glanced down at the pile of crumpled clothes. She couldn't put those on again. They were dirty, and it would hurt too much. Not seeing anything else to do, Rowan wrapped the towel around herself and opened the door. At her feet there was a pile of clothes, folded and clean and new. Tears sprung to Rowan's eyes. Isabelle and the others: 2, my father: 0, Rowan thought.

Jace's POV

Jace pushed his hair back, his patience wearing thin. Alec had stormed into his office shortly after they'd arrived back at the Institute and had not stopped rambling on about how they needed to figure out what to do with Rowan. Rowan. When Jace heard the name he felt his heart clench. He hadn't heard the name in years, not since Clary died. Nobody ever brought it up, and he was glad they didn't. It was always too painful. He'd lost nearly everything.

"…and – Jace, are you listening to me?" Alec inquired. Jace looked up at his parabatai. Alec rolled his eyes. "I'm taking that as a no. As I was saying, we have to figure out what we are going to do. Eventually people are going to hear rumors and start asking questions."

Jace sighed. "Believe me, I know. Sooner or later, the Clave is going to find out. We just have to decide if they are going to hear it from us or somebody else." He leaned back in his chair and wracked his brain for any way to get through this without making it worse than it already was. Jace couldn't even begin to guess all the horrible things the girl had probably gone through.

Alec sat down in one of the chairs mirroring Jace's. "I know you probably don't want to, but I think the best option is to tell the Clave. They can sort this out so we can keep the Shadow World of New York." As much as Jace wanted to deny it, Alec did have a point. If the word got out that the New York Shadowhunters were overly occupied with their own matters and might become careless with patrolling, illegal activity could increase. On the other hand…

"What about Rowan?" Jace responded, crossing his arms. "We don't know what she's been though. All we do know is that the Clave is ruthless and will completely disregard the pain she might have endured before we brought her here." Jace stood up and walked around the desk. He leaned against the desk and said, "And besides, when do we ever tell the Clave anything?"

Alec blanched. "'When do we ever tell the Clave?' Jace we aren't kids anymore. You're running an institute and I work in Downworlder/Shadowhunter politics. We grew up, and a part of that comes with responsibility."

Jace clenched his fists. "By the angel, Alec. Aren't we a little old for lectures on responsibility? I get you don't like this, but it's not really your choice."

"Are you joking?" Alec asked, his voice raising as he pushed up from the chair. "Jace, it is my choice, too. We're parabatai. What happens to you happens to me! All of us. You and I have kids now and –"

"You," Jace interrupted. "You have kids now. I just have one. So I'm sorry if I don't want to let another little girl down." Alec's eyes turned sympathetic and guilty. He opened his mouth to say something, but Jace stormed out of the room before Alec could get the words out.

Rowan's POV

The hallways of the New York Institute were even harder to navigate with most of the lights off. So, as Rowan walked through the dark corridors she held out her hands slightly to prevent herself from bumping into anything. Despite the number of corners Rowan couldn't seem to find her way back to anything familiar. Of course, it didn't help that Rowan wasn't entirely sure where her room actually was.

Nonetheless, Rowan was determined to find her way back. Her eyes scanned the hallways for anything that seemed even remotely familiar. Although, all Rowan seemed to be able to find so far were red herrings which seemed to pull her farther and farther from her destination.

And so, just as Rowan was about to pass a set of double doors, which were different from the traditional single ones, she paused. A soft melody was echoing through the door into the hallway. It was a nice, quiet sound. For a moment, Rowan simply stopped and listened. The music was calming and steadying. It relaxed her. Something in the music pulled at Rowan's hand, making her reach towards the door and turn the handle. As quietly as she could, the girl opened the door, trying not to disturb the musician.

Unfortunately, whoever it was did here the door creak open, as the music stopped and a pair of dark brown eyes looked up at Rowan in the dim light.

"Natalie?" The boy stood up. "Natalie, is that you?" Rowan's lips parted slightly. This was one of the boys who'd been there when Alec and Jace had found her. Elliot, she thought. He frowned as he approached her. "You're not Natalie."

Rowan bit her lip and stared down at the floor. "I'm sorry to disappoint you." She and Elliot stood in silence for a moment. Then Rowan turned to exit the room when a callused hand grabbed her arm.

"Don't apologize," Elliot said. "I'm not disappointed. Just surprised, is all." Rowan looked up and found his deep brown eyes staring into her own. She exhaled a breath she didn't realize she had been holding. Elliot then let go of her arm and reached to remove his glasses. "You can come sit, if you want," he offered as he wiped the lenses clean with the bottom of his gray t-shirt.

At Rowan sat down on the chair across from Elliot, she asked, "So, what was it you were working on? It sounded nice." Elliot shrugged and picked up the guitar that was set on the table.

"It wasn't really anything. Just messing around with a few chords. That's it." He strummed the strings a few times, a few different chords echoing around the room. "Every time somethings sounds even remotely okay, it ends up not working." Elliot picked up a pencil and crossed off a few phrases in a notebook.

"Why is it so important that you do this?" Rowan inquired, picking up the notebook and skimming the words. "If it's not working for you, why are you required to continue?" Elliot opened his mouth and shut it again. He seemed to ponder the statement for a moment. Then suddenly he snatched back the notebook and laid back on the couch.

Elliot scribbled down a few phrases, but quickly got rid of them. "It's not that I'm required to," he explained. "But I want to. My dad's a musician, and I figured maybe I have some talent there. Both my dad and uncle have musical talent." Elliot tossed the notebook onto the coffee table. "Although, my uncle was adopted, so I'm not really sure if that counts."

Rowan smiled. She liked Elliot. He was nice to her, and didn't talk to her like she was a china doll that could break at any moment. She appreciated that. "Why are you staring at me like that?" Elliot asked. Rowan quickly looked away, hoping the hair that was falling in front of her face would hide the blush on her cheeks.

"I wasn't," she lied. "I just spaced out for a moment. That's all, I swear." Elliot leaned back and examined Rowan. He laughed, suddenly, earning himself a worried look from Rowan.

At that, Elliot stopped and assured her, "You're fine. I promise. I've just never met someone as guarded and paranoid as you." Rowan struggled to find the words to respond. What could someone possibly say? Her eyes darkened, remembering what she couldn't say, and why. Elliot must have noticed, because he reached out and placed a hand on Rowan's. She looked up at him with scared eyes.

"Hey, it's okay," Elliot said softly. "Whatever happened, you're safe now." She knew he was trying to comfort her, and she appreciated that. If only it actually did. Rowan faked a small smile, and Elliot leaned back. He put down his guitar on the table and wiped his glasses on his shirt again. He did a lot. As he slid them back onto his face he asked, "So, why are you up so late?"

Rowan gave him a confused look. "You are up to." Elliot raised an eyebrow and laughed lightly.

"Touché."

Rowan smiled and continued. "Anyways, I'm up because I couldn't find my way back to my room." She glanced at Elliot's face, expecting to see him laughing, but instead he looked surprisingly sympathetic. "I can get there from that big room at the front of the, um, Institute, I think. But not from here."

Elliot stood up and reached out a hand. Rowan took it and he helped her to her feet. "Then let me help you. I can get us to the entrance to the Institute – that is what it's called – and you get us to your room. Sound good?" Rowan nodded and together they exited the room.

Rowan threw her head back and laughed loudly, only to quickly cover her mouth as Elliot shushed her. They didn't want to wake anybody on accident. "Sorry," she said quietly, trying to compose herself. Talking with Elliot was so easy. It was as though they'd been friends for years. As much as she'd like to deny it, part of Rowan knew that she'd feel bad for hurting him later. Maybe he'd understand how much freedom meant to her. Maybe he'd forgive her.

"What is it?" Elliot asked. "You look worried again." Rowan realized she'd shown her emotion on her face.

"It's nothing," Rowan lied. Again. "So, what happened after Natalie was caught?" Apparently, Natalie and Elliot were twins and _parabatai_ , lifelong fighting partners, devoted to protecting and being there for each other no matter what. Not all Shadowhunters had one, though. Isabelle, their mother, didn't. However, his dad, Simon, did. His _parabatai_ , though, had died about seven years ago. Nobody ever talked about it, because Jace, her husband, still hadn't completely moved on. Jace also had a parabatai, whose name was Alec. They were the two men who had first found Rowan.

Elliot grinned. "Mom was furious, of course. She demanded that Natalie give it back immediately. And, of course, after spending the last half our knocking herself over and tripping over it, Natalie managed to get herself tangled up. Needless to say, Natalie never touched any of mom's weapons, _especially_ her whip ever again."

Rowan flinched at the name of the weapon. Elliot didn't say anything, so she figured she concealed it well enough that he hadn't noticed. "Is she still that bad?" Rowan asked, trying to distract herself.

"No; it'd be a problem if Natalie hadn't gotten any better than her 7-year-old self," Elliot explained. "And we definitely wouldn't be _parabatai_ if we couldn't work together because she was too busy tripping over her own feet." Rowan pondered the thought for a moment, and shrugged. It made sense, not to want someone who couldn't keep up with you as your fighting partner. She wondered if her father, who Rowan had noticed had similar markings to Elliot and his family, ever had a _parabatai_.

Rowan stopped in front of her bedroom door. "This is my room. Thank you for walking me back." Elliot shrugged. "You can come in, if you want."

Elliot took off his glasses and again cleaned them on his shirt as he stepped inside. "You're nervous," Rowan noted. Elliot turned to her with a raised eyebrow. "You're nervous. That's the third time tonight you've cleaned your glasses, but they couldn't be that dirty. I think you're nervous. Don't be."

The young Shadowhunter opened and closed his mouth, struggling for words. "I… What… How could you? Get there, I mean. To that conclusion." Rowan smiled and walked passed him.

"I'm observant," she explained as she sat down on the bed. She patted the spot next to her, and Elliot sat down. "It's a skill I became fairly good at after a while. You'd be good at it too, if you'd been through what I – never mind."

Elliot tilted his head slightly. "No, not never mind. I've spent all night talking about me. What about you? Why 'never mind'? Why are you so defensive? Why did you flinch when I mentioned my mom's whip?" Rowan cringed. He did catch that.

Rowan's fists clenched. "It's nothing. I don't want to talk about it." She adjusted her position and turned slightly away from Elliot. She heard him exhale sharply behind her.

"I don't get it, Rowan," Elliot admitted. "I've been so honest. I thought we were connecting. I thought we could be friends! But you won't talk to be. That's not fair."

"I don't care what is fair and what isn't," Rowan responded sharply. "I think you should go, Elliot. I'm tired and don't want to talk anymore."

Elliot grabbed her shoulder and spun her around to face him. "No, Rowan. I'm not leaving until you talk to me. What could have happened to you that's so horrible that you can't even avoid not physically react whenever someone even mentions anything even remotely related?"

Rowan pushed off the bed and walked across the room, wrapping her arms around herself as she did. "I asked you to leave," she said quietly, trying to blink back the tears forming in her eyes. "So go."

"I'm not going anywhere Rowan. Not until you talk to me. Just tell me something," Elliot begged. "Anything so I can –"

"I said _get out_!" Rowan shouted as the tears began to fall down her face. She head Elliot gasp softly before storming out of the room. A sudden feeling of guilt overcame Rowan for shouting. She spun around and called out, "Wait!" But it was too late. The door had already slammed shut.

 **Alright! That's chapter 3! I tried to lay off some of the cliffhangers. My goal is too make his a little bit longer, so apologies now if not all the chapters are quite as plot-moving or eventful.**

 **Please review, follow, favorite and share! It means so much!**

 **-daughterofpercabeth417**


	4. Chapter 4

**Hey guys! Sorry it's been so long! High school has been kind of crazy so far. Thankfully, things are dying down a bit so I will have more time to write. Heads up, this is a bit of a filler. It's important later. I promise! Now, onto the chapter!**

 **Chapter 4**

 _Rowan's POV_

Despite her eyes being closed, Rowan could still see the brightness from the window through her eyelids. _Window_. Rowan sat up and looked behind her and noticed a window that she hadn't the night before. Through it, she could see trees and people walking briskly down a sidewalk. If she wanted to, she could get up right now and run. What Rowan would give to be free to run and feel the cool air sting her skin and not have a care in the world. Well, she knew what she would give. Rowan collapsed back onto the sheeted mattress and wrapped herself up in the comforters and blankets. It was warm under there. Not the kind of warm she felt when her father whispered horrible things down her neck, but the kind of warm Rowan knew you felt when you were surrounded by all things good and you felt as though nothing in the world could touch or hurt you because you were too far away.

Sometimes the world catches up.

Voices echoed from the hallway. Slowly and carefully, Rowan climbed out of bed and crept towards the door. Part of her thought that this wasn't real, that this was all an illusion created by her father. She thought how if she opened the door and left how much trouble she'd be in. But the other part of her remembered last night. That side remembered Jace and Alec finding her, and Isabelle being so patient, and her wonderful conversation that ended so horribly with Elliot. Rowan wasn't sure what was real anymore. Nonetheless, she found herself approaching the door and reaching for the handle. She watched as she turned the handle and opened the door. Without the door closed, the echoing voices grew louder, but softer at the same time as they moved away.

Rowan peaked her head out the door and saw three people. Two boys and one girl, all with jet-black hair and strong bodies. The girl turned around and locked eyes with Rowan, black meeting green. "Oh. It's you," Natalie commented. "You slept for a while. I personally thought you were dead." Rowan blanched, at a loss for words.

"What the hell, Natalie?" Andrew whispered. "Be polite." Natalie shrugged and stalked off down the hallway. Rowan looked down at her toes, suddenly feeling very small compared to Natalie, who seemed so confident and powerful. Andrew turned to her. "Don't feel bad. Natalie isn't often great with new people. Give her some time."

As Andrew followed Natalie down the long corridor, Elliot looked up at Rowan, barely making eye contact. He swallowed. "Um, hi."

Rowan bit her lip, unsure how to act in the moment. "Elliot, I am sorry! Really. I did not mean to snap at you last night. I just –"

Elliot rushed towards her and put a hand on her arm, silencing her. "It's okay, Rowan," he promised. "I swear. You went through something, and it wasn't fair of me to try and force you to share. Let's just forget about it, okay?" Rowan nodded, and Elliot smiled and walked away. As he walked, Rowan wondered if she could ever really fit in with these people. After all, she was nothing like them.

For starters, their parents were strange. They didn't seem so angry and bitter all the time. She'd never admit it, but it hurt watching Jace react the way he did when he saw his son after they'd returned to the Institute. And they all just seemed so sure of themselves, so unafraid and secure. There was a strange, new energy that surrounded this place and the people that lived there that was unfamiliar to anything Rowan had ever experienced or even heard of. She had no idea what it was called or how to react or respond to it. But she liked it. The sense of unity and family was warming, rather than the coldness that her father brought.

And yet, these people had hurt her father, and in turn hurt her as well. That meant that justice had to occur and these people, as welcoming and warming as they seemed, needed to be punished. And Rowan was going to be the one to do it.

But first, Rowan was starving.

The kitchen was huge. Nice, but huge. Rowan couldn't believe that seven people needed this much food, even if they were training all the time. There was a marble counter that lined the two far walls of the room which matched the countertop. It complemented the cabinets and dark wood floors. With the bright white lights, Rowan felt under interrogation, like she was being watched. Subconsciously, she wrapped her arms around herself.

"There isn't as much food as you think there is," a voice said behind her, making Rowan jump. "It just looks like it. Take anything you can find." She turned and saw Jace standing in the doorway. He looked tired and disheveled like he hadn't slept much of last night, if at all. Rowan couldn't help but feel a bit guilty. She was here for not even a full day, and she was already inconveniencing these people. _That's a good thing_ , Rowan reminded herself. _Don't forget that_.

After a moment, Jace walked across the kitchen to the counter. He seemed so calm and collected. Rowan wondered what that felt like, to not have to worry about anything. In fact, everyone here seemed at ease, like nothing in the world ever bothered them. All they ever had to do was train and fight and, sometimes, rescue people. "Catch," Jace said suddenly, tossing her an orange

Rowan smiled and took a seat at the counter. As she began peeling the fruit, Jace took out a bowl and a box of cereal. He reached under the counter and opened a drawer where he pulled out a spoon, and then took out a jug of milk from a large refrigerator disguised as a cabinet. "How can you remember where everything is?" Jace laughed.

"I've been living here for most of my life," he explained. "The only thing that has changed about his kitchen is that Izzy isn't inside anymore. Our mom stopped trying to teach to cook a while ago." Jace leaned in a whispered, "Don't let her trick you into eating her food. It'd put you in the hospital with food poisoning." Rowan laughed. Even though she wasn't really sure what "hospital" or "food poisoning" meant, they sounded like things you didn't want to experience.

Rowan tilted her head to the side slightly. "Wait, you and Isabelle are siblings. How? You look nothing alike." Jace nodded and set down his spoon."

"It's kind of a long story, but the Lightwoods – Isabelle and her family – adopted me when I was ten after my father died. Well, kind of." Rowan responded with a confused expression. "Like I said, it's a long story."

As a clicking sound from the hallway grew louder, Rowan turned. Natalie stepped into the kitchen. "Good morning, Uncle Jace, Rowan." She gave a small smile, but Rowan couldn't tell if it was genuine or not. She opened up one of the cabinets and pulled out a wrapped granola bar. As she unwrapped it, she poured herself a cup of coffee.

Jace raised an eyebrow. "Natalie, did your parents say you could have that." Natalie froze. "I'll take that as a no," Jace concluded. He walked over and snatched the mug from his niece's hands. Rowan covered her mouth with her hand, stifling her laughter. Natalie groaned and stomped over to the counter, taking the seat next to Rowan.

"You're annoying," Natalie muttered. Rowan's eyes widened and she looked up at Jace. If she ever said anything like that like to her father, she'd never see the end of her punishment. But Jace didn't look angry, just amused. Rowan didn't understand. She looked back and forth from Natalie and Jace, until Natalie gave her a death glare. Rowan then stared down at her hands in her lap.

Jace took a sip of the coffee. "And you are spending the day showing Rowan around." Natalie looked at Jace, seeming alarmed and upset. She tried to protest. "You will," Jace instructed. He walked around the counter and leaned in towards Natalie to whisper in her ear. He seemed to think Rowan couldn't hear him, but she could. "She's been through a lot. Give her a chance."

Under the table, Rowan's fists clenched. She wasn't delicate or weak like everyone here was saying. She wasn't made of glass. Rowan knew she was stronger than each Shadowhunter here. After everything she'd been through, one girl being mean was nothing.

"Fine," Natalie said. She turned to Rowan smiled. "We can go out tonight. Come to my room later and we can get ready. It's two down from yours." Then, Natalie stood up and stalked out of the room. Rowan watched her as she left. Natalie appeared to hate her but she didn't know why, or what she could have already done wrong. Maybe Natalie is who she would pick. Maybe.

As Natalie played with Rowan's hair, Rowan desperately tried to avoid eye contact with her. "I do not understand," she admitted, "why we have to dress up to go out. Can we not just dress normally?"

Natalie sighed and let go of Rowan's hair. "No. When going to club you can't just 'dress normally' –" she bent her fingers up and down to signal quotation marks "– you have to look, well, _hot_! No one will want to dance with you in you wear frumpy clothes and look boring."

"But I do not know how to dance," Rowan admitted. Natalie groaned and threw her head back in frustration. Rowan watched in the mirror as Natalie walked back to her bed and sat down, looking defeated. "I am sorry, Natalie. I just do not think this is for me."

Natalie sighed. "Don't apologize. You're new at this. But it _could_ be for you, if you give it a chance." She retook her place next to Rowan and turned her head towards the mirror. "If it means anything, I think that you'd be great at it. You've got spunk."

Rowan smiled. "I am not sure what "spunk" is, but thanks."

The club was dark. The only light came from colorful flashes from small, moving bulbs along the ceiling. It was blinding. And the music was loud and strange. It was a lot of loud beats layered on each other that shook the floor. A large group of people was grouped in the center of the room, doing what Rowan assumed was dancing. It looked kind of strange, but Natalie seemed excited as she entered the club.

"Are you coming?" she asked. There was something off about her, like the nice girl that showed herself briefly in Natalie's room was gone and in her place was the person who had made rude comments towards her at the Institute. Rowan wondered what she had done wrong in the few minutes it had taken them to walk to the club. Nonetheless, Rowan nodded and followed Natalie deeper into the club.

Near the bar where Natalie finally decided they would stay temporarily, there was a mirror wall. Again, more mirrors. Rowan examined herself through the finger-print-coated glass. Her light hair was straightened, tickling her back. Her dress was short and tight. Too tight. Like the binds that used to hold Rowan's wrist. Absentmindedly, she rubbed them and tried to calm her breathing before it got out of control.

"Here," Natalie shouted over the music as she slammed two small glass cups down on the counter. "Drink." She picked up her cup and swallowed the liquid inside in one sip. Rowan did the same and nearly spit it out. It tasted funny.

"What is that?" Rowan asked, trying to ignore the bitterness on her tongue.

Natalie smiled mischievously. "The most amazing thing you'll ever drink." Rowan raised an eyebrow, not understanding how something so awful could be amazing. Natalie bent over and pulled a pen out of her boot. She uncapped it made a small mark just above the bottom of her dress. "Every time you take a shot or have any kind of drink, do what I just did. Find me and borrow my pen. It's so you know how many drinks you've had. Trust me, you'll thank me later."

Rowan took the pen and marked her thigh. As she pulled down her dress to hide the dash, Rowan noticed a man from across the room staring at Natalie. He didn't seem to be paying any attention to her, and she was grateful for that. Still, something about his stare made Rowan uncomfortable.

All night, Natalie was drinking and dancing with guy after guy as Rowan watched in amazement. She was so confident and comfortable. Maybe once she was free, Rowan could be the same way. Rowan looked around to where Natalie was. Except, she wasn't there anymore. Rowan's heartbeat quickened. She couldn't get home alone, couldn't fend for herself in a place like this. She didn't know how to act or what to do.

A splash of royal blue caught her eye and Rowan turned to see Natalie with her back up against a bar talking to the man who was staring at her earlier. He was very close to her, his body pushing up against hers. Rowan watched as he played with her hair and traced her jawline. Something about Natalie's face was unsettling. Her smile looked strained and there was a darkness behind her eyes you couldn't see if you weren't paying attention. Rowan caught Natalie's eyes which seemed to scream _Help me!_ Rowan shot forward with a sudden burst of rage. Despite Natalie probably being her choice of who she sacrificed for her freedom, no one should ever feel trapped.

"Get off of her," Rowan commanded. The man who was flirting with Natalie turned to Rowan, looking angry. Rowan could instantly tell that the man was intoxicated. Heavily. "Get off of her or I will make you."

The man laughed. "We were just talking." He turned to Natalie. "Weren't we, baby?"

Rowan's eyes darkened. The man, even though he was very drunk, stiffened. "I told you to get off my friend. You did not listen. I warned you, and you still did not listen. This is your fault." Rowan reached out and grabbed the man's collar and pulled him off of Natalie. He stumbled but quickly regained his balance. He planted his feet and held out his hands, ready to fight. Rowan laughed and walked forward. The intoxicated man swung at her, but she grabbed his fist and knocked his arm away. Before he could make another move, Rowan turned to the side and kicked him in the stomach with her heel. The man clutched his stomach with a wild, pained look in his eyes. He fell to the ground just security guards ran up to them.

Rowan looked around. A circle of people had formed around them. Before anyone could stop them, Rowan grabbed Natalie's hand and pulled her out of the club. They didn't stop running until they were a safe distance away. The girls collapsed onto a bench in an empty park to catch their breaths.

"Thank you," Natalie said between pants. Rowan turned to her, confused and a bit angry. "What?"

Rowan stood up angrily. "'What?' Natalie, you have been so misleading all day! You were uncivil in the kitchen this morning, but really nice in your bedroom. And then at the club, you were rudely impatient toward someone who had never done anything like that before."

Natalie stared up at her, eyes glassy. "I said thank you because you helped me. And I acted around you the way people act in my world: short-tempered and closed-off." Rowan realized that she was crying softly now. "I hate it," Natalie whispered.

Rowan sat down beside her, unsure how to respond. "I do not think I understand. What do you hate?"

" _Everything_ ," Natalie admitted. "It seems so great at first, to be a Shadowhunter. To have angel blood and be able to protect the world. But it's horrible. You have to hold everything inside; you can't talk about anything. If you're hurting, nobody cares. You just tough it up because you can't do anything else."

Rowan set a hand on Natalie's shoulder. "I am sure people care. Your parents or your brothers… somebody has to care."

Natalie shrugged Rowan off. "If they do, they don't show it. Shadowhunters don't ask what's wrong. There isn't time for feelings and emotions when you are fighting demons. So we all just bottle it up." Her voice was growing in anger and volume. It sounded scratchy from all the crying. No one ever pays enough attention to notice that you're lonely and hurting. Mundanes do, though. They know. But we can't associate with them; it's not allowed. I'm just so sick of pretending like everything's okay. It's killing me."

Rowan swallowed. "Could you talk to Elliot? He is your _parabatai_ , right?"

Natalie scoffed. "He spends too much time with Andrew to care. Sometimes I think he regrets agreeing to make that bond, regrets not choosing Andrew instead. I know that he's been through a lot and it's easier to talk to another boy sometimes. But we are _parabatai_. And we've all been through shit. It's not fair."

"If you do not mind me asking, what happened?" Rowan asked.

Natalie wiped her cheeks and looked at Rowan sadly. "Our Aunt Clary died a few years ago. We were all really close. It nearly tore us all apart. She was our glue. And on top of that, we are the kids of the Shadowhunters who helped save the world. Twice. The pressure is insane."

Rowan put her arm around Natalie's shoulders. "I am here, if you ever want to talk again." Natalie nodded. "And to be honest, I know it seems like being a Shadowhunter is horrible, like nobody pays attention. But if you asked, I am sure someone would care."

"Thank you."

 **Alrighty then! Tha's the chapter! Sorry if it seemed kind of boring. I'm trying out some new methods with writing online, so let me know in your review what you think! Don't forget to R &R!**


	5. Chapter 5

So, I'm back. Sorry it took so long. I've been really busy... ish. Legit though I'm finally it a good group of friends who actually include me in things so I have less time to write (You all mean a lot to me, don't get me wrong, but I wouldn't trade that for anything). Anyways, the flashback (it's italicized) is from the author SpellCleaver on this cite. I borrowed it for my own because I really like it. It's called White Lies, so feel free to check it out. Now onto the chapter!

Chapter 5

Rowan's POV

A loud clang pulled Rowan from her thoughts. Once again, she was lost on her way to the kitchen. Rowan followed the sporadic sounds of metal until she reached a large room with a variety of weapons and targets coding the walls. In the center of the room Natalie, Elliot, and Andrew were sparring. They looked like they were made of water, easily flowing through the motions without hesitation. Suddenly, Andrew was weaponless. Elliot was holding his blade and Natalie had hers against her older brother's throat.

"Not fair, you guys," Andrew complained once Natalie pulled her blade away. "You guys are parabatai. You're obviously going to win."

Natalie laughed. "You're just upset because you know that even with more years of training we are still better than you, together or alone." Elliot high-fived his twin sister as Andrew rolled his eyes and scoffed. Rowan entered the room, clapping lightly. The Lovelace siblings were incredible, and Rowan couldn't even begin to imagine what their parents were like after so many more years of battle.

"You all are really talented," Rowan said admiringly. "I wish I could do what you can." Andrew raised an eyebrow mischievously. "What are you thinking?"

Andrew grabbed a sword off the wall and tossed it to her. Rowan caught it surprisingly, and even more so it felt comfortable. "I'm thinking that you could," Andrew began, "do what we can do. Let's get started. I'll go easy, all you have to do is keep my sword from your head. Easy enough."

Andrew swung and Rowan. She raised her blade above her head, sending a large vibration through her body when hers and Andrew's blades met. As they fought back and forth, Andrew called out tips and instructions. It all came so naturally to Rowan, and the adrenaline rush was amazing. The more they trained, the harder Andrew fought. It was exhausting and exhilarating.

"Rowan, you're insane," Elliot said once Andrew and Rowan finished sparring. "I think we should do Natalie and I versus you two. Rowan could certainly handle it, and what better way to get better than to fight people who are better."

Andrew laughed. "Wise words." He turned to Rowan. "You in?"

Rowan raised her sword. "Definitely."

Jace's POV

As Jace walked down to the kitchen to grab lunch, he heard laughter and footsteps coming from the training room. He turned in the direction of the sound and began walking toward it. Jace peaked his head in and saw his niece, nephews, and Rowan training. He watched as they fought back and forth and he was amazed at Rowan's ability. For all they knew, she had never trained before, but she was natural. If she was a true Shadowhunter, she'd be an amazing one.

"Rowan, what the hell?" Andrew exclaimed. "You're amazing! Elliot if you weren't already parabatai with Natalie, I'd say grab her while you can. If you're a Shadowhunter, that is. I would if you are, but I'm already eighteen."

Natalie scoffed and shoved her brother playfully. "He would never replace me." She turned to Elliot with a death stare. "Right?" Elliot threw his hands up in the air to signal him surrendering. They laughed.

"You all can fight it out later. Come down for lunch. Your mother - "

"No!" the Lovelace siblings shouted.

Jace laughed. "Your mother brought in Taki's. Don't worry." He walked forward and took the weapons from the young shadowhunters' hands. "I'll clean up, you go get ready."

"Where did you say this was from?" Rowan asked. "It is amazing!"

Andrew raised an eyebrow. "Really? I mean, it's good, but not amazing.

Jace noticed Rowan almost fold into herself like she was trying to become smaller. "I am sorry. I have never had anything better." Time seemed to freeze as soon as Rowan finished speaking. There was an awkward silence that seemed to last thirty seconds and thirty minutes at the same time. The tension in the room was impossible to miss, and Jace pitied Rowan for being at the center of it all.

"Don't apologize," Jace said, breaking the silence. "Next time you are trying the coconut pancakes. I'm ordering you as head of the Institute." Rowan laughed and continued eating. The tension vanished, except for the stares Jace received from Simon, Alec, and Isabelle. They looked confused and maybe even worried, but Jace couldn't figure out why.

After lunch Jace went back to his office, only to be followed by Simon, Isabelle, and Alec. Once they were there Izzy shut the door. "What the hell was that?" she asked. She looked mad like he had done something to offend her.

Jace raised an eyebrow. "What do you mean, 'What the hell was that'? It was awkward and you can't deny it. I was just trying to lighten the mood." He sat down in the chair behind his desk. If Jace was being honest, he didn't know what happened at lunch. There was something about Rowan that made him want to take care of her.

"I understand," Alec admitted. "But it was the way you phrased it, the tone of your voice, that was problematic." Jace raised an eyebrow. He didn't quite understand what the problem was. Alec's demeanor changed suddenly, seeming somewhat softer. "Look, Jace. I get that meeting Rowan probably brought up some old feelings, but you can't start replac - "

"Stop," Jace interrupted. "I don't want to hear it. I cannot believe you guys would come in here and say shit like that."

Simon stepped forward warily. "I think Alec is trying to say that we understand what you are going through. We miss Clary and Rowan too, but we think you are going about this, everything with bringing Rowan here so close to the anniversary of your daughter's death, well... wrong."

"I would never, ever trade them in because they're gone," Jace contradicted. "They were – are – everything to me." He took a moment to steady himself and blink back the tears forming. "I thought that we could be there for each other in ways we never had. Is that wrong?"

"Of course not," Izzy reassured him. "It's just -"

A startling crash interrupted Isabelle. It came from right outside the door. The four shadowhunters locked eye-contact instantly and rushed outside. An arrangement of swords on the wall had fallen to the floor and a strawberry-blonde girl was running down the hall. "What the hell is that about?" Simon asked.

"I don't know," Jace admitted. "But I plan to find out."

Rowan's POV

Rowan knew she should feel bad for knocking over the swords on the wall. But, right now, she didn't care. She only cared that everything she thought was wrong. It was stupid of her to think that she could avoid her father, that she could get away free without anyone getting hurt. But no. It wouldn't matter anyway. Her father was right. These people, the shadowhunters of the New York Institute, were just as horrible as she had been told. Rowan had thought for a moment that beyond their kindness was a place with them. It was all a lie, though. They just wanted to use her. They just wanted her as a replacement, the second choice. Rowan didn't know what the feeling was called that was in her heart and in the pit of her stomach, but it hurt. A lot.

A knock came on the door to her bedroom. "Rowan? Rowan, can I come in please?" It was Jace. The sinking feeling lightened slightly. Jace cared enough about her to see if she was okay. Rowan didn't think her own father would ever do that. Then again, he was the one who made her feel not okay. Nonetheless, Rowan didn't feel like talking. She laid down on her side and kept quiet.

The light in the room grew as the door opened. Light footsteps echoed and soon the bed dipped slightly as Jace sat down. "Rowan, I don't know what you heard but whatever it was, we never meant to hurt you." Rowan stayed silent, fighting back tears. "Please listen. You deserve to know the truth."

Rowan sniffled and sat up. "What happened to your wife and daughter?"

Jace stared off sadly. "I used to see ghosts. It's something that Herondales can do. But I never saw her. I guess she moved on.

"About fifteen years ago, my wife, Clary, and I had a baby girl. Her name was Rowan too. It was the greatest day of our lives when she was born. I didn't have a great childhood, so I wanted to give her everything I never had. She had Clary's eyes and curiosity, even at just a few months old."

"What happened to her?" Rowan asked softly.

"She died. Clary's brother was born with demon blood, and it corrupted it. He had a fairly large following when he died. During a Clave – our government – meeting, one of his followers entered our home country, Idris, and killed all the children in a small daycare. Rowan was one of them. It broke my heart to see her like that, having suffered and died so young. I couldn't save her," Jace admitted.

"I think losing Clary was harder," Jace continued. "We'd planned to spend our lives together. We had gone through so much together, but it was all cut short. It happened about eight years after we lost Rowan." A tear trickled down his cheek. "She died in my arms. But I think the worst part of all was that she knew, but there was nothing we could do about it."

Rowan tilted her head, confused. "Knew what?"

"That she was going to die."

Jace's POV

Jace wanted to get out of these clothes. He hated the white fabric. It meant death and mourning. He'd been to funerals before, but nothing compared to this. Her lifeless body just lying there. Her hair was so bright compared to her pale skin. Jace didn't want to be there. He almost couldn't get out of bed this morning. It took everything for him not to run away from it all. Alec was staring at him the whole time. Jace knew that Alec could feel his pain through their parabatai runes. He wished he would stop, though.

Jace rushed back to the Institute the moment the funeral was over. He just wanted to get out of there. He didn't know where he was going; he just let his feet carry him. His hands were shaking and his breathing was shallow and difficult. It felt like his heart was physically throbbing from the amount of pain he was in. Part of Jace wanted to end it all, to rid himself of the pain and see her again. But he knew how disappointed she'd be. They had another child, a baby boy, Matthew, who would need Jace. He was barely a year old.

He soon found himself at the entrance to the greenhouse. Jace didn't think it was possible, but somehow his heart broke more. This was the place where they'd celebrated Clary's sixteenth birthday together. This was where they shared their first kiss. Jace's eyes filled to the brim with warm tears that threatened to spill over. He blinked them away and sat down on a bench deeper in the foliage.

Jace didn't know how long he'd been sitting there. It felt like forever, but also as though no time had passed at all. Footsteps echoed as somebody entered the greenhouse. He figured it was just Alec or Izzy coming to check on him, but he just wanted to be left alone right now. It was selfish, he knew, seeing as they were all mourning, but he didn't care. He couldn't care right now.

"Jace?" The voice was feminine, and for a split second, Jace thought it was Clary's ghost. Or better yet, Clary alive and well. But he knew it wasn't real. It was Emma. Why was she here? Jace wanted to tell her to go away, but he feared that if he opened his mouth he would start crying. He didn't want to start crying. It made him feel weak.

"Jace," Emma said again. Go away, Jace thought, as though Emma could hear his thoughts. He could feel her brown eyes staring at him through the leaves. "Clary gave me a message to give you."

Jace's breath caught. Clary. His sweet, sweet Clary. A tear slid down his cheek, but Jace quickly wiped it away. Jace tilted his head slightly. He could now see Emma reflected in the windows. She looked sad and scared. Emma took a deep breath.

"She told me to tell you she knew she was going to die."

Jace felt his body tense up, but he still didn't fully turn around. "What?" he asked disbelievingly. "No. You're lying. You're lying." It couldn't be true. Clary couldn't have known. There was no way she could have known. And if she did, she would have said something. Wouldn't she have?

"I'm not," Emma whispered. "When you two were at the LA Institute before you went off to the Faerie Lands, I was on the roof, and Clary came up to talk to me. She told me that you'd asked her to marry you."

He sucked in a breath through his nose and finally dragged his gaze to hers. It hurt. It hurt so badly, it felt like it was ripping through Jace from the inside out, all the pain and sorrow and torment residing inside of him. "How– How did you know that? Not even Alec knew. How would you have known that if…" his voice trailed off. How would you have known that if you were lying?

"She told me," Emma went on, her voice softer than before. "We were on the roof of the Institute, and she told me that when the angel Ithuriel was alive, she'd had dreams."

"Dreams?" His brow furrowed, then cleared again. "They were –"

"Prophetic dreams," she finished for him. Jace's eyes were still fixed on the buds in front of him. He recognized them as the ones he'd shown Clary on her birthday, the ones that only bloomed at midnight. He couldn't help himself but stare as he remembered how happy they were. "The angel sent her prophetic dreams, that stopped once it died, and after the Dark War.

"But she said that in the sixth months leading up to your trip to the Faerie Lands, she started having them again. She said they weren't as clear as they used to be, but that she somehow knew, intrinsically, that there was a great darkness coming. Not quite like the Dark War, but... similar. She described it as 'a shadow that spreads out over the world and blots out everything.'"

Jace shivered, though he wasn't sure whether it was the promise of what was to come or hearing the words that were so very Clary come out of Emma's mouth after she died. "She kept having nightmares," he said dully. "She refused to talk about it. I never thought – never thought that –"

"She said that along with the visions of the shadow, there came a sort of knowledge. She said that she couldn't explain how she knew it, just that she did. She was going to die. And it wouldn't be long before she did.

"She said," Emma choked out. Jace could hear her crying now, but Jace wouldn't let himself to the same. "She said that she wasn't afraid of death, but... she was afraid of leaving. She was afraid of leaving you."

A half-strangled nose flew out of Jace's throat without him meaning to let it; he shoved his fist into his mouth and bit down heard. He could see the blood pool on his hand. Jace didn't want her to, but Emma continued anyway. "She said that marriage... marriage was a promise. A promise to stay with that person. And she-she didn't want to make that promise when she knew she might not be able to keep it. And she knew that being married might change things between you and that it would only make things worse if you were married."

"Nothing could be worse," was all he said. It was all he could say. He couldn't think of anything else. He meant it though. Nothing could be worse than this feeling.

"For what it's worth," Emma said softly, "she told me that she had no doubts about whether or not she wanted to marry you. She said that you were the only one for her, the only one who would ever be for her and that she just knew it with certainty, that there would never be anyone else." Jace's heart fluttered for a moment. He loved hearing Clary talk about the two of them together, and how happy it made her. But the emotion was short-lived, as Clary was still gone.

"Why didn't she just tell us," Jace asked in a hoarse voice.

"She didn't think you'd believe her." The statement his him like a blow. "She said Simon would suggest she see a therapist, and she didn't say specifically why for anyone else, but I got the sense that it was for similar reasons. She just wanted me to tell you that she knew she was going to die, and... she wasn't scared. That was what she wanted you to know. She didn't die in fear."

Jace remembered Clary on the rooftop, how at ease she seemed, how she had accepted her fate. "No, she didn't." There was a moment of silence, and it was deafening. "Why? Why choose you to tell me this? She was the only one who knew you well. The rest of us were simply passing acquaintances."

He could see a flash of hurt cross Emma's face. She shook her head. "Because she trusted me," she whispered. "She said that in her dreams, she saw me with Cortana in my hand, ready to strike. She said that she trusted me to –" Emma's voice broke again. "She said she trusted me to keep fighting."

A heavy silence fell, and Jace could see the wheels turning in Emma's head as she contemplated what to do or say next. He wanted to her stay, to keep telling him stories of Clary. But it was also so painful. She was hurting and he had no idea. He should have known. "Did she – Did she want the others to know?"

"She didn't say. Just that I had to tell you."

Jace pursed his lips and stood up. "I'll tell them what happened, too. I need too..." His chin wobbled. Not crying was becoming increasingly difficult. He'd never felt so low. "I need to get it out, and I assume you don't want to hear it." Emma shook her head. "Didn't think so, but... she wouldn't have wanted me to keep it in. Clary wouldn't have wanted me to keep it in."

He got up to leave, but before he did, he paused and whispered, "Thank you." He then left Emma in the greenhouse. As he walked back through the Institute, Jace tried to comprehend everything that had just been told to him. So many emotions were flowing through him, and it felt like he was being pulled in a million directions. Thankfully, Jace didn't run into anybody on the way back to his room. He didn't know that he was ready to face anyone yet, if ever.

Finally, he reached Clary and his's room. He stumbled over to their bed and sat down. With a shaking hand, Jace slowly reached out and grabbed Clary's pillow. He held it close and cried into it until he had nothing left to give."

Okay, so that was chapter 5. I hope you all enjoyed it. Please please please comment, share, follow and favorite. It means the world to me to get those notifications saying one of you liked my story enough to put it in writing. Please stick around. I'll try to update soon.

Love you all,

daughterofpercabeth417


	6. Chapter 6

**OMG GUYS so sorry for the issue before! Here's the chapter! Enjoy!**

Chapter 6

Rowan's POV

The library was huge. That was the first thing Rowan noticed when she entered the room. There wasn't an empty spot on the shelves, which traveled up to the ceiling. The windows were like the ones in her bedroom, clear but covered in fingerprints from previous inhabitants.

The second thing Rowan noticed was the group of people gathered around the table in the center of the room. Jace was there, but he was the only person she recognized. The rest of the group was made up of men and women, all with their mouths set in hard lines and unreadable eyes. It was unnerving.

Jace must have heard the door open, because he turned just as Rowan stepped into the library. His face lit up and he beckoned her over. "This is Rowan," he explained, and the other people's heads whipped toward her. "She is the girl I was telling you about."

"The one from the abandoned building," one of the men asked. Jace nodded. Rowan could practically feel their eyes scanning her, analyzing every part of her. It made her feel uneasy and invaded.

Jace turned to her. "Rowan, these people are from the Clave. They wanted to talk to you." He stood up and walked over to her. "This wasn't the original plan, I promise," he said in a low voice. "Just go with it and you'll be fine." Rowan nodded and quietly walked over.

"Sit down, Rowan," one of the men ordered. She sat down, keeping her eyes on her hands folded in her lap. She didn't want to look at him. He made her feel uneasy. "I am the Inquisitor," the man continued. "Do you know what the Inquisitor does, Rowan?"

Rowan felt a hand on her shoulder. She turned to see Jace standing behind her. He gave her a small smile and gestured towards the Inquisitor. She turned to him and said quietly, "No."

The Inquisitor raised an eyebrow. "Then let me tell you. It is my job to investigate Nephilim for the Clave and make sure that they have not broken the Covenant or the Accords. I am here to speak to you."

Rowan tilted her head. "But I am not Nephilim." Her voice dropped lower so no one could hear. "I am not sure who I am."

"You are an exception. By associating with the shadowhunters of the New York Institute you are now under investigation by order of the Clave. No one knows who you are and where you came from. There is no record of you." The man turned and locked eyes with Rowan. "Who are you?"

She took a deep breath. "My name is Rowan."

"And? Where are you from?"

"Um, I was found in an abandoned building by Jace and his family. I -" Rowan paused. She knew that she couldn't say anything. If she did, he would know. Her father always knew everything that happened to her. What she said, what she did; she was never alone. But Jace, and his family too. She needed to keep their trust if she was to be freed by the end of it all. She had to comply with what they asked of her. Even if it a small part of Rowan was hurting just at the idea of betraying them.

"I do not know where I am from. I only remember bits and pieces. The clearest memory is when I was found." Rowan could see the fire in the Inquisitor's eyes grow at her response. She knew it wasn't what he wanted to hear, but if she told the truth she knew that everything would be worse. She couldn't risk that.

"How convenient," the Inquisitor growled, getting lower so he was at eye-level with Rowan. "You just so happen to forget everything as soon as -"

Jace stepped forward. "Hey. She doesn't remember. Deal with it." His words shocked Rowan. This man seemed so important, and Jace spoke to him almost as though the Inquisitor was below him. He wasn't, Rowan could tell, but she admired Jace for his confidence. She wished she was brave enough to stand up for herself.

Jace turned to Rowan. "Go back to the others. We can talk about this later?" She nodded and quickly exited the room. Rowan fell back against the wall and exhaled a breath she hadn't realized she'd been holding. As much as she'd hate to admit it, Rowan was terrified. She was terrified of her father and what he'd do if he found out she wasn't sure she wanted to go through with all of this anymore. She was terrified of what would happen to her if the Inquisitor found out the truth. But most of all Rowan was scared of the looks she would receive from Jace and his family if they found out why she was really here.

Rowan slid down to a sitting position and hugged her knees to her chest. Where did she come from? That was what the Inquisitor had asked her. She'd told him she didn't know, but that was only partially true. Rowan knew she came from wherever-it-was, where her father and her lived. But beyond that, she had no idea. There was something at the Institute that made her feel safe, like a presence was always near and watching over her. But Rowan couldn't seem to put her finger on it.

Rowan heard voices from behind the door, and she quickly stood up and brushed herself off. The door opened and the Inquisitor and who she assumed to be other Clave officials walk briskly past her. Jace exited last and leaned against the wall next to her. He exhaled. "Remind me again why I put up with those people?"

Rowan laughed lightly but shrugged her shoulders. "If you do not like it, why do you do it? You do not have to." Jace laughed and rolled his eyes. He began walking down the hallway in the opposite direction the Clave members went. Rowan rushed to catch up with him.

"It's my job. I'm head of the New York Institute. That means I hold all the meetings for the Conclave, and the Clave when they are doing business here. At least that's some of what I do. It's a blessing and a curse."

"Did Clary used to help you?" Rowan could see Jace tense as soon as she said his late wife's name. Her stomach dropped a little from guilt. Stop that, Rowan mentally scolded herself. She knew she needed to stop caring, but because they had all done so much for her, it was nearly impossible.

Jace smiled sadly and nodded. "She was always better at it, too. She always ran the meetings because she could put up with it all, or at least pretend to better than I can. We were a team. Clary was the face of the operation; she ran the meetings and worked with the Downworld. I was always behind the scenes. It worked perfectly. We worked perfectly."

Rowan smiled at the thought of having someone to be with the way Jace and Clary used to be. Maybe, if she ever freed herself from her father and the mess she was in, she would.

"Even now, eight years later, and even though I can't see her, I still pretend she's next to me. I suppose I never really got over it, her dying. I never even tried to find anyone else." Jace shrugged. "Matthew never seemed to mind, seeing as he had izzy as his mother figure. He doesn't really need anybody else."

They reached the entrance to Jace's office, and Rowan turned to him. "Matthew seems like a wonderful child. You have done a good job. I wish I had a brother like him."

Jace smiled and nodded. He then turned and walked through the door. Rowan stood and watched as the door closed. It wasn't fair. They'd all been through so much, lost so much. They didn't deserve to suffer because of her father. Rowan was starting to doubt they were bad people at all.

Rowan sat in a chair in Matthew's bedroom, watching as he slept soundly. The other shadowhunters at the New York Institute had been called to Idris to discuss the situation. Her situation. All of the issues of her being there. It hurt a little bit, sure, but it didn't really matter. Right?

"He is such a lovely child. Wouldn't you agree?" a voice asked. Rowan's eyes flew up to see her father standing on the other side of the room. Her eyes grew wide and dark. Even after fifteen years, his black eyes still made her uneasy.

"What are you doing here, Father?" Rowan asked softly. She wished it was because she didn't walk to wake Matthew, but in truth, she was afraid. Afraid of her father and what he might do if she failed her mission. The mission that, every day, Rowan doubted more and more.

Her father smiled maliciously. "I am simply checking in on my daughter after some time away. Is that a crime?" He turned to her. His eyes shined in the moonlight, making them all the more piercing and unsettling.

Rowan sat forward in her chair, laying a hand on the bed beside Matthew. "I know you, Father. You are not here to check in; you want something. What is it?"

Her father's eyes darkened. "I don't think I like what these shadowhunters are doing to you. This newfound attitude of yours may prove to be a problem. I think it may be better if I cancel the mission and you return with me home," he offered, raising an eyebrow.

Rowan knew what he was doing. Her father was trying to scare her into complaisance, to make her cooperate with him. Rowan wished she could fight him, but she was terrified, and even more so ashamed that he still had the same effect on her even after weeks with Jace and his family.

Nonetheless, Rowan's fear took over her. "Please," she begged. "I am sorry. It was nothing, I swear. I – It will be fine. I promise, Father." Rowan hated it, what she'd said, the moment the words left her mouth. But it was too late now to take them back. It hurt, but there was nothing she could do. Her father would always be there, taunting her and controlling her life. The best she could do for herself right now was make sure that he was only there in her mind, where she could maybe get rid of him one day, and not in person where she was trapped.

"Good. I'm glad to hear it." Her father's vicious smile returned. "I would hate to have to choose for you." The knot in Rowan's stomach tightened further. If she let her father choose, all of them would die. It wasn't worth it.

"No," Rowan whispered, shaking her head. "You do not have to. I will choose."

Jace's POV

Jace and the others returned to the Institute late at night. The meetings regarding Rowan went much faster than expected, and it was nice to see some family again, despite the unpleasant circumstances. Jace bid goodnight to his family and quietly climbed the steps of the Institute.

He turned right at the top and walked down the hallway. The door to Matthew's room was open slightly. He peaked his head in. To his surprise, Rowan was sitting in a large chair beside his bed. Her legs were tucked in close to her chest and despite the position in which she was laying, she seemed fairly comfortable. As Jace stepped closer to kiss Matthew goodnight, he noticed that dried tears stained her cheeks. He frowned slightly, wondering what may have happened.

Jace lifted a blanket off the foot of the bed and lightly laid it on Rowan. She pulled it tighter and turned onto her side more. She looked peaceful. Something about it relieved him. Quietly, he turned and walked towards the door. As he shut it behind him, he smiled. Something about Rowan taking care of Matthew, and simply just being there, seemed right.

 **OKAYYYY Here is the actual chapter! Sorry again for the mixup! I figured out the problem! Thanks for the notice! BYE!**


	7. Chapter 7

**Hey guys! The chapter is finally here! So sorry it took so long. If you guys saw my A/N from about a week ago, then you know why I took forever to update. If not, that't okay because I'm updating now! Enjoy!**

 **Chapter 7**

 _Rowan's POV_

There was a kink in her neck when Rowan woke up. For a moment she couldn't remember how she'd gotten in the chair under a blanket in an unfamiliar room. Then it all came flooding back to her. Rowan exhaled and shut her eyes, letting herself deflate like a balloon.

Babysitting Matthew has been wonderful. He was easy to take care of and fun to be around. Although, part of Rowan was a bit jealous. He had gotten to grow up in a world where people actually cared about you, where they encouraged and loved you. The longer Rowan was at the New York Institute, the more confused and angry she became. What had she done to deserve all the horrible things her father had done to her? She only ever did what he asked of her, no matter how painful or sickening it was.

Now, all Rowan wanted was to stay. She wanted to train and live with the shadowhunters. Despite their hard exterior, they were kind people who cared about you if they felt you deserved it. Rowan wanted to deserve it. She didn't think she'd ever wanted anything so badly in her life.

A tear fell down her cheek. Rowan knew the truth. If her father's plan was carried out successfully, they'd never let her stay. They would throw her out. without a second thought. They would hate her. Just imagining that left a sickening feeling in her stomach. If she lost this, everything would be gone. She'd have nothing.

Rowan quickly wiped away the tears and stood up. There wasn't time for tears. As much as she hated it, Rowan knew that if they wanted her to stay, the shadowhunters would have offered already. She had a mission to complete. She had to come first. As much as it pained her, it had to happen.

Just as Rowan approached the door, she paused. Those were her father's words, not hers. She knew, deep down, that Jace or his family would never purposefully hurt her. That was the problem. Rowan had to, needed to, be free. The cost, though, was throwing her. None of them deserved to get hurt. Rowan clenched her fists and let her head hang low. It was so wrong. Nobody deserved what she – or any of them, for that matter - had to go through.

But what choice did they have? They couldn't change it now. In a perfect world, Rowan could be a part of a family. A real one, not the kind where people go out of their way to hurt you. She'd have friends who she could go out with at night like Natalie did. Or learn guitar, like Elliot was. She could do so much, but it wasn't real. It wasn't in the cards for her. It never would be; it was too late for that. She would forever be trapped by her father even when he wasn't there. All she could do was stand by and watch as he destroyed the only thing she ever really cared about. She was powerless against him.

Rowan reached up again to turn the handle when the door swung open. Her eyes widened as she was faced with Natalie. She exhaled a breath she hadn't known she was holding. Natalie laughed and grabbed her hand, pulling her into the hallway. "By the angel, Rowan. You slept so late we all thought you'd died or something."

"No," Rowan responded, trying and failing to laugh along. "Like you said, I slept late." The concept of "sleeping late" was still foreign to Rowan, but she tried not to think too far into the idea.

Natalie talked on about random things and Rowan tried to listen. She really did, but she couldn't get the conversation with her father from last night out of her head. The tone he used when talking about choosing for her left a funny feeling in her stomach. Though, most encounters with him left her feeling uneasy. Nonetheless, it seemed like he was implying she would fail. Like he knew she would fail. Rowan didn't know what scared her more. Her father knowing she would fail, or not knowing.

Rowan was finally pulled from her thoughts when she and Natalie stopped walking. They stood outside Jace's office. "Jace wants to see you," Natalie said, answering Rowan's unasked question. "He's in there waiting for you." She then turned and walked away, leaving Rowan alone and confused, wondering as to why Jace had asked her here.

Carefully, Rowan opened the door and peeked her head into the room. Jace stood over his desk, his eyes focused on the papers sprawled in front of him. He hadn't heard her come in. Rowan quickly stepped into the room and shut the door. She cleared her throat. Jace looked up at her and smiled. "Take a seat, Rowan. I wanted to talk to you."

Carefully, Rowan sat down in the chair facing Jace's. The office was nothing like she'd imagined it would be. It was actually very intimidating, the way all the light seemed to angle toward her like a spotlight. It made her feel like she was being interrogated and left a knot in her stomach. "Why did you want to speak with me?" Rowan asked softly, not taking her eyes off her lap.

The chair behind the desk creaked slightly signaling Jace had sat down. Rowan still didn't look up at him. "I'll just get right to it, seeing as there's no real way to ease into this. Last night when I got home, I went to go check on Matthew and you were sleeping on the chair in his room."

"Was that wrong? I am sorry, I did not know," Rowan rushed out. "I did not know what to do once Matthew was asleep, and I -"

"It was fine, Rowan. That wasn't the problem." Rowan let out a breath she hadn't known she'd been holding. "What I was questioning was when I went over to make sure you were comfortable were the tear stains on your cheeks. I wanted to make sure you were okay."

Rowan's breath hitched. Nobody had ever said that to her before, ever cared if she was okay or not. She desperately wanted to open up to Jace and tell him everything. What her father had done to her for years, what he was making her do now... it sickened her, really. "I am fine," she whispered.

Rowan glanced up at Jace, whose head was now tilted to the side. "Are you sure, Rowan? Last night doesn't convince me of that. I asked Matthew and he said you seemed fine all night. That just doesn't add up Rowan. What is going on?"

With her fists clenched in her lap, Rowan glared up at Jace. "Nothing is going on," she said through gritted teeth. "Why can you not just leave it alone?"

"Because I care about you. I can tell that you've been through enough pain already to last a lifetime. And even so, you are my responsibility as long as you stay at the Institute."

The worst part of it was, Rowan knew he was right. She had been through too much and she was his responsibility. And despite her resistance, Jace was going to continue caring until she gave him a reason not to. "I should be going, then."

"What?"

"I should be going," Rowan repeated. "You shouldn't care about me. It is not worth it. I am not worth it." Rowan stood up and began walking toward the door. "I will just go."

There was a scraping sound on the floor behind Rowan. She knew Jace had stood up and was probably following her. "What are you talking about? Why would you think that? Rowan, please talk to me."

Rowan had almost left the room when a hand grabbed her arm. She turned and saw Jace looking down at her with worried eyes. "Why do you not get it, Jace? You have to let me go. You are just going to get hurt."

The words stung, even though she was the one saying them. She didn't want to leave. All Rowan wanted right now was to stay. But she knew it was for the best. Despite her father's promise to choose for her, she had to go. It was better if he didn't know she was involved. He'd placed so much trust in her. It would break him and her if he found out the truth.

"What does that mean, Rowan?" Jace asked softly. "Nobody is going to get hurt. If you just tell me what you mean, maybe I can help you. It'll be bet- "

"No!" Rowan shouted through gritted teeth. She was trying and failing to shake Jace's hand off her arm. "Let me go! It's easier – please!" She reached for the doorknob again and tried to push out of the room.

Jace placed his hands on her shoulders and flung her around to face him. "Rowan, listen to me!" He shouted, shaking her lightly. Rowan froze. The world slipped away and she was somehow back with her father. The memory surrounded her, suffocated her, as she watched her younger self.

 _"I am sorry, Father," the young Rowan said softly. Her dagger was in the outer circle of the target. Better than before, but still not good enough._

 _"Sorry?" Her father walked toward her slowly. "Do you think 'sorry' will be good enough when you cannot kill a demon? When you fail, just as you always do?"_

 _Rowan shook her head, staring down at her feet. Her father was standing in front of her now, engulfing her in his shadow. He was so much taller. She always felt small whenever he was angry with her. And he was always angry with her. She didn't understand why, though._

 _"Look at me, Rowan." her father commanded. Rowan glanced up, but the look in his eyes was so venomous that she couldn't keep the eye contact. He growled angrily. "I will not ask you again, Rowan. Look at me."_

 _Rowan didn't even try this time. She was shaking and her breathing became short and quick. She couldn't do it. She couldn't face him. Not like this, when he was already fuming even after barely a minute. Part of Rowan wished he would just go away and leave her alone. But the other part of Rowan knew it was a pointless thing to wish for. He would never leave her alone. She was trapped forever._

 _Suddenly Rowan was knocked backward. She clutched her cheek, tasting blood, and glanced down to find her father's hand clenched in a fist. He'd hit her. It wasn't the first time he'd done so, but it still made her jump. Tears sprung to her eyes. Rowan finally looked up at her father. He was fuming._

 _"Are you allowed to disobey me Rowan?" he growled. She quickly shook her head. She didn't want to make him angrier. It was easier to just comply, no matter how awful her father was. Rowan didn't know what would happen if she continued to defy him. She didn't want to find out._

 _"Say it! I want to hear you say it."_

 _"No," Rowan said softly. "No, I am not allowed to disobey you." Despite no longer being able to see his face, Rowan knew her father was glaring at her. She could feel it. Instinctively, Rowan shrunk back. She kept her eyes locked on her feet; her hands were shaking harder now. Rowan didn't want to be afraid. It was weak to show fear. But she couldn't help it now. Her heart was beating so fast it felt like it would beat out of her chest._

 _Rowan was suddenly slammed against a wall. Her ears rang and her head felt light and heavy at the same time. The floor seemed to sway beneath her. Everything looked blurry. Rowan raised her hand to her head, trying to steady herself. "What..."_

 _"Quiet, Rowan," her father commanded. "You don't get to speak."_

 _"Bu-"_

 _Her father's hands shook her roughly. "Rowan, listen to me! If I say be quiet, you are quiet. You do not get to pick and choose. You have no authority here. Understand? You are worthless, Rowan. You are nothing. Nothing"_

"I am nothing," Rowan said, barely audible. Jace stepped back. He looked confused and alarmed.

"Rowan, what are you talking about," he asked. He reached out his hand again but paused when Rowan flinched. "You are nothing. We all care about you and want you to succeed. You are so far from nothing. Where did this come from?"

Rowan shook her head. "I am nothing."

Quickly, Rowan spun around and ran out of the room.

Jace's POV

Jace sighed. He didn't know what to do about what just happened. He didn't know what to do about Rowan in general. Her eyes had just glossed over like she was sucked into a whole other world. It was almost terrifying. At that moment, she'd seemed so broken. Jace wanted to help her, but he didn't know how.

Sliding his arms through the sleeves of this jacket, Jace jogged the steps to the front doors of the Institute. He needed some air. Ever since Rowan came to the Institute, he felt connected to her. He knew that it wasn't possible, Rowan being his daughter who was secretly alive all this time. Simon told him once to never believe a person is dead until you'd seen the body. And he had seen her body. Still, it was kind of nice to pretend he had gotten a second chance.

The air was cold against Jace's skin. It didn't bother him though. He had other, more important things, to focus on. He needed help, though he'd never admit it to anyone out loud. Hell, he couldn't admit it to himself for years. But now, Jace knew he did. He couldn't figure it all out on his own.

When Clary had died, her family had decided to dedicate a gravestone in her honor in a mundane cemetery for those who couldn't enter the City of Bones. It was a walking distance from the Institute. At first, it was too painful for Jace to go visit her in either place. He couldn't see her name. It made it more real.

Once Rowan turned twelve, or when she would have turned twelve, Jace finally decided to visit her grave. He didn't totally know what changed in him. Maybe it was the fact that this would have been their daughter's first milestone as a shadowhunter and they should have been celebrating it together. Or maybe it was just a coincidence. Whatever the reason was, Jace could never put his finger on it.

The grass was damp but not so much so that you couldn't sit on it. Jace sat down cross-legged in front of her headstone. Heroes aren't always the ones who win. They're the ones who lose sometimes. But they keep fighting. They keep coming back. They don't give up. That's what makes them heroes. Those were the words written on her headstone. Jace had chosen them. He remembered Emma telling him that she'd said that to her in Idris once. Jace felt in encompassed who she was perfect. When he read those words, he felt closer to her, in a sense. Like she was still with him, guiding him in the right direction.

"Hey, beautiful," Jace whispered softly. "I'm sorry it's been so long since I came to visit you. I've been a little busy. You'll never guess what happened." Jace paused briefly. He'd always dreamed of hearing her respond one day. But she never did.

"A few weeks ago, on a patrol, we found a girl. She was huddled in a corner, covered in dirt and blood, and a demon-infested warehouse. Her name is Rowan too. It's weird, though. She looks just like I always imagined our Rowan looking. And acting, too. It's the craziest coincidence I've ever seen.

"A small part of me wants to pretend like I've gotten a second chance. But we both saw her," Jace said, voice quieting and thick with tears. "But I know it's not possible. You would like her though. A lot. You'd get along so well -"

He breathing hitched. It was too hard to talk about it sometimes, even after seven years. "Honestly, Clary, the reason I'm here is that I need some help. I walked in on Rowan in Matthew's room asleep on a chair after she'd babysat for him. There were tears on her cheeks. This morning, I tried to get her tell me why and she freaked out. Her eyes just glossed over... It was kind of terrifying.

"Basically, I'm just worried that I pushed her too far. I want her to trust me, but I don't know how to get her to. By the angel, Clary, you were always so much better at this than I was," he said, sighing and running a hand through his hair. "How did you do it?"

Just then a sharp ding began. It was coming from Jace's phone. He pulled it from his pocket. It was Isabelle. Emergency here. Hurry back. He turned back to the gravestone. "Hey, Clary. I have to go. Sorry to cut this short, but I'll be back soon. I promise."

Rowan's POV

The shadowhunters, excluding Matthew and Andrew, were all waiting for Magnus and Alec to arrive in the front hall of the New York Institute. An hour before, they'd received a fire message that had sent everyone into a frenzy.

 _The beginning of the end._

 _Arrive in one hour._

 _-SM_

Rowan had never seen anyone move as quickly or an anxiously as they did. She didn't know who "SM" was, but she was apparently going to help fight him. She'd caught bits and pieces of conversations but had learned very little. All she knew was that they'd fought this person, whoever it was, before a long time ago.

The front doors burst open. Alec and Magnus stumbled in. "Are we all ready9 to go? We shouldn't waste any time prolonging this more than we have to," Magnus said.

"I really hate this," Alec muttered. "We already killed him twice! I was taught growing up, personally, that when you kill someone, they stay dead!"

"Believe me, I get it," Jace agreed. "I don't know how much more of this I can handle."

There was a rush of wind and a swirling portal appeared on the wall. Despite having been through one before, it still made Rowan a little bit nervous. She didn't even want to consider the possible outcomes if something went wrong. Rowan took a deep breath and stepped into the portal. The magic felt icy on her skin and sent nervous shivers down her spine. Still, she couldn't shake the excitement in her veins. It was her first mission, a chance to prove herself.

Their destination was nothing like the Institute and just like it at the same time. The general architecture was the same, but the décor and the atmosphere were completely different. Here, it all felt heavier and darker. It was like nothing could live here. Not physically, per say, but more so mentally.

The group had arrived in what would have probably been the library if it weren't for the crumbling shelves, lack of books, and the throne in the center of the room. On it sat a man with pale skin, white hair, and black eyes. Seeing him again shook Rowan to her core.

"Sebastian," Jace growled. "How long is it going to take you to realize that you lost? You didn't kill me. You didn't get Clary. You didn't take over the world. Enough. If you don't, I swear to you I will kill you. And believe me, I'll enjoy doing it."

Sebastian smirked wickedly. "It's wonderful to see you again, brother. It really has been too long. Though, I must ask: where is Clary?"

Rowan saw Jace's knuckles turn white around the hilt of his sword. Sebastian was pushing buttons, she could tell. Rowan knew how much Clary meant to him, so whatever Sebastian had wanted with Clary must have been truly awful for Jace to react this way after he only said her name.

"You don't get to talk about her," Jace said through gritted teeth. "Not after what you did, what you tried to do."

"I hardly agree, Jonathon. I was merely taking what was mi - "

Sebastian paused suddenly. He eyes had found Rowan, despite her attempts to stay hidden. His mischievous smile widened at the sight of her. "Rowan, what a pleasant surprise. How nice of you to join us."

Jace's head snapped to Rowan, looking confused. "Rowan, do you know him?"

Rowan looked down at the floor. She didn't want to see his face. "He's my father."

 **Alright, that's it! The chapter is over! I hope you all enjoyed. Please please please comment and favorite/follow. Getting those notifications really make my day. School is almost out so I'll be able to write more! I'll try and update soon!**

 **-daugtherofpercabeth417**


	8. Chapter 8

OH MY GOD! I can't believe I'm actually sitting here doing this! I know it's been so long since I've updated this story! I hope nobody has lost hope. I know where this story is going, I promise. I just had trouble actually writing it. I would just sit there with the story open but I couldn't bring myself to write without hating every word. Anyways, here it is! Finally! Enjoy!

You will be able to tell, but I deleted Chapter 8 to post this longer version! Sorry if you are rereading!

Chapter 8

Rowan's POV

The previous chapter

Sebastian paused suddenly. His eyes had found Rowan, despite her attempts to stay hidden. His mischievous smile widened at the sight of her. "Rowan, what a pleasant surprise. How nice of you to join us."

Jace's head snapped to Rowan, looking confused. "Rowan, do you know him?"

Rowan looked down at the floor. She didn't want to see his face. "He's my father."

"Rowan, what are you talking about?" Jace asked. "He can't be your father. It's not possible."

Sebastian laughed. "Of course, it's possible. I figured you understood how that works, my brother. What with your two children – or one, I suppose."

Jace whipped back to Sebastian, fists clenched as eyes dark. "You do not get to go there. You don't get to talk like that. Not after what you did. You destroyed everything."

Sebastian smirked and turned back to Rowan. "I suppose it all worked out then, didn't it? Now you don't have to choose. It is unfortunate, though. I had quite hoped to watch them suffer again."

"What? What does that mean?" Jace asked, head whipping back and forth like at a tennis match. "What were you choosing Rowan? What does he mean by "suffering"?

Rowan looked down, ashamed. She couldn't tell them what she'd done, or rather, what she would have done in exchange for her freedom. It would be too much. No matter how awful her years with her father had been, seeing the hurt and disappointment and pain would be worse. If she was being completely honest, she was terrified. Deep down Rowan knew that she couldn't fight this. There was no way she could win. It killed her inside.

"Rowan," she father said coolly, commanding her attention. She glanced up and fought the need to cower away from him. "If you don't tell them, I will."

Her head shot up, eyes wide. Rowan shook her head quickly. No matter how awful it would be for Jace and the others to hear what she was being forced to do, it would be worse if her father was the one who shared it. "No. I will tell them. Everything."

Rowan turned to Jace. He looked at her, a confused expression on his face. Rowan looked away, the concept of making eye-contact with him suddenly too much to bear. "You finding me was no accident. I was placed there by my father as part of a larger revenge plan.

"You have to understand that what I did, what I was going to do, I had no choice. I was completely trapped. I never wanted to hurt anyone. I just wanted to be free.

"For the first fifteen years of my life, I was living with my father. I was kept in a small room with no windows. The first time I had ever seen sunlight was my first morning at the Institute. I was barely fed. I was terrified. I had almost no contact with anyone for the first five years of my life. When I turned six, my father began to visit more. At the time, I did not know any different. I just knew that it hurt. For the longest time, all I knew was the pain. It never went away. Not even for a moment. It just became more bearable, I suppose. I had always thought that all fathers treated their children this way.

"When I came to live with all of you at the Institute, I learned how wrong I was. Nobody was ever whipped, or starved, or beaten. It almost hurt more, all of it, knowing how destroyed I had become for no reason. You never saw it, but it's all there. I knew how to hide it, on my body and on the inside. It is why I did not want to hurt you, any of you. I only saw a kind, good people. None of you deserved that.

"A few weeks ago, I was shown a picture of your family. I was told that you were these awful people who had ruined my father's life. He said that twice before he had tried and failed to ruin you, to make you suffer, in return. I was told it was my job to pick one of you for him to take. He – my father – thought that it would finally destroy you. I did not want to understand what he was asking for. But I did. My job was to live with you for a few weeks and then choose one of you for him."

By the time Rowan had finished speaking, there were tears streaming down her face and her fists were clenched. It physically hurt her to talk about it. It was like reliving the pain over and over. She was ashamed of herself. Rowan didn't want to look at them, at Jace. She knew it would hurt the most to see his face. He trusted her and she let him down. It seemed she was doing a lot of that lately.

"Rowan, what was he making you choose?" Jace asked softly.

Rowan shook her head. "Don't make me say it," she sobbed. "Please don't make me say it. I can't. You'll hate me."

"Rowan, what was he making you choose?"

"He wanted me to pick someone to die."

Finally, Rowan brought her eyes back to Jace's. She regretted it instantly. His eyes were so dark and angry they were almost black. They reminded her of her father's and she fought the urge to back away. At that moment, she was truly terrified of him. It was like she was trapped with her Father again, completely defenseless against his anger.

"But you have to understand," Rowan continued softly, "that I only ever agreed to it because I was promised freedom. I could not live that life anymore - "

"Shut up."

Rowan's eyes widened. Jace's words were so sudden and quick that she thought she'd misheard him. "What?"

"I said shut up." Jace's eyes were no longer dark, but now cold and unforgiving. "I don't want to hear it. Don't come back to the Institute, Rowan. You threatened my family. I don't want you anywhere near us."

Rowan wanted to vomit. She had never felt this emotion before. She didn't know what to call it. It felt like her heart was being stabbed over and over. Her chest was tightening painfully and it made Rowan want to double over and curl in on herself. "Jace, please - " she wheezed out.

Jace cut her off. "I, Jonathon Christopher Herondale, as head of the New York Institute, hereby ban you from the said establishment and the grounds it stands on." His eyes softened for a moment but quickly returned to their former state of hatred. "I don't ever want to see you again Rowan."

A cry broke out of Rowan's mouth. Her nails left small crescent cuts on her palms as she squeezed her clenched fists tighter. A new round of tears poured down her face. Jace's eyes remained cold. He was either unaware of her pain or choosing to ignore it.

"Rowan," a voice said. It was her father's. "Come here. Come home." Rowan shook her head. She couldn't go back to him. Not after what he'd done to her. He stepped toward her.

"Rowan, you've got nowhere else to go."

Rowan froze. It dawned on her, at that moment, that he was right. As much as she hated the idea of returning home with her father, she had nowhere else to go. Knowing how to fight demons wouldn't do her any good in the mundane world. Her only choice was to go back to him. Somewhere deep inside her, Rowan knew she had to run, knew she had to go anywhere rather than stay here. But at that moment, the only thing she could do was go toward her father and take whatever pain and punishment that awaited her.

The tightness in Rowan's chest returned. Her hands were shaking and her breathing was quick. She was terrified. Whatever she had been through before would be nothing compared to what she'd have to endure now. Rowan wanted to scream. She was scared and confused and had never felt more alone in her life. Everything around her was falling apart and there was nothing she could do to stop it.

"Welcome back, Rowan," her father said when she reached him. He pulled her into a tight hug. Rowan stiffened under his touch. She didn't want him to touch her. She didn't want him anywhere near her. If she let him, he would only hurt her again.

Her father placed a kiss on the top of her head and Rowan had to fight the urge to flinch away. "Go prepare. I will arrive shortly. I expect you to be ready."

Rowan's eyes shot up to meet his. She'd forgotten how chilling he could be when he was angry. She knew she'd disappointed him when she'd failed in her mission and would pay greatly for it. Seeing and hearing it made it more real. Rowan nodded sadly and walked toward a door on the far side of the room. She turned the knob and opened the door. She paused, hoping someone would stop her. No one did.

Jace's POV

It nearly killed Jace to send Rowan away. He hated how broken she looked. But he couldn't seem to get past what she had done. Or was willing to do. It hurt, nonetheless, to see how much it hurt her to be sent away. It was the right thing to do, though. Or at least that's what Jace told himself.

"How unfortunate," Sebastian sighed. "Father and daughter finally reunited, only for it to all fall apart – and at their own hands, too."

Jace's head snapped up toward Sebastian. "What did you say?"

Sebastian smirked. "Hm? What was that, Jace?"

"What. Did. You. Just. Say?"

The grin on Sebastian's face grew. "Oh, about that father and daughter? Yes, well. It is quite a grievous occurrence, wouldn't you agree?"

Jace's fists clenched tighter. "What the hell are you getting at? 'Father and daughter?' Don't play your stupid mind games, Sebastian. What the fuck do you want?"

Sebastian raised an eyebrow. "Well, Jace. That tone of yours is awfully rude. Especially since I did raise your daughter for the past fifteen years."

That comment threw Jace off. "My... my daughter?"

Sebastian laughed. "What, did you really think it was just some coincidence that you found a girl who looked just like you and Clary, with the exact same name as your daughter? Really, brother. I thought you were smarter than that. What are the actual chances that you find the doppelgänger to your daughter in a world of 7.2 billion people? Not high, I suppose."

"What are you saying, Sebastian?" Jace growled. He was quickly approaching his breaking point and wouldn't hesitate to punch Sebastian in the nose if it came to that.

Sebastian smirked. "Rowan is your daughter."

Jace fought the urge to stumble backward. Sure, he'd wished that Rowan was his real daughter. But he knew it wasn't possible. She was dead. "Rowan's dead, Sebastian. You know that."

Laughing, Sebastian sat down on the steps leading up to the dais he'd been standing on. "Did you know, brother, how easy it is to glamour an infant? Just kill them and draw the rune. After all, it can't kill them if they're already dead."

"You didn't," Jace whispered. There was a tight feeling in his chest, practically squeezing the air out of him.

"Oh, I did," Sebastian said. "I stole your daughter from you, making you think she was dead. I sent the demons that killed Clary. I placed Rowan in your life so she could relay information and pick a person to die. Everything significant in your lives in the past fifteen years has happened because I made sure it did. I took away everything from you.

"And now, you just threw your second chance at being with your daughter away. You just handed her over to me."

Jace's eyes widened in realization. He just destroyed everything. He knew bad things had happened to Rowan; he could tell. And, by the angel, he didn't want to know what would happen to her now.

Sebastian stood up and took a few steps back. "And, you see, brother, Rowan doesn't know any of this. She still believes I'm her father. And despite being raised in a more abstract manner, she still understands one thing: when children disobey their parents, they must be punished," he finished darkly.

Just as Sebastian twisted the ring on his finger, Jace lashed out at him.

His sword just barely missed.

Suddenly, the room, the doors, everything was gone. The group was standing in an open field. It was like everything had vanished and dropped everything inside to the ground.

"Fuck!" Jace shouted angrily. He was so close, but at the moment it mattered, he wasn't good enough.

"What the hell?" Simon's asked, turning around himself, seemingly attempting to figure out how they ended up outside.

Jace had forgotten that everyone else was there, having been so caught up in everything. He hated how Sebastian had gotten the best of him. Within minutes, he had walked right into his trap. Sebastian wasn't kidding when he said everything they'd done had been because he wanted them to. Even after he told them, nothing changed. He still couldn't figure out something so simple, so important.

If he had, he could have saved his daughter.

"Jace..."

Jace turned around to see Alec standing a few feet away from him. There was a funny expression on his face like he wanted to step closer and comfort him but was too nervous to set him off.

"Let's just go home. Back to the Institute. We can figure this out once we get there."

Alec took a tentative step forward. "Jace, I –"

"Please, Alec. I can't do this right now. Let's just go home."

 **Okay! That's it! I hope you guys enjoyed it! I'm sorry if it seems forced or awkward or if it's a huge let down. And to those waiting on _Tell Me I'm Beautiful_ , that's coming soon! Feedback is always loved and appreciated!**

 **-M**


	9. Chapter 9

**HELLO BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE! I hope you are all having a wonderful winter break! Unless you aren't on winter break... or it isn't winter... so, Happy December? Before the chapter, I want to quickly apologize for the weird chapter last time I updated. I didn't set up the chapters correctly and everything came out weird. Sorry! Now, onto the chapter!**

Chapter 9

Jace's POV

The group was silent as they entered the Institute. No one knew what to say or do at that moment. There wasn't really anything anyone could do. Jace couldn't decide what he preferred. He didn't want to bothered with apologies or any other random comments. But the silence meant he was left to his own thoughts. He felt like he was drowning in the guilt.

"Don't," Alec said from behind him. His expression was a cross between being in severe pain and a scolding parent.

Jace turned to face him. "Don't what?"

Alec scoffed. "Don't do this to yourself. I can feel the guilt you're putting on yourself. There was nothing you could've done. You didn't know."

Jace was shocked. "'There was nothing you could've done,' Alec, are you kidding me right now? It's my fault she's gone. Maybe I didn't literally know she was my daughter, but I felt it. I could tell deep down she was important to me. So don't you dare tell me there was nothing I couldn't do. I could've saved her, Alec," Jace said, his volume dropping as finished.

Alec's face softened. "I know, Jace. I know. And you're right. It sucks. This whole situation sucks. But the last thing Rowan needs –," Jace flinched, "– right now is for you to fall apart. You can save her, Jace. It's the one thing I think any of us are really sure of right now."

Jace looked at Alec, eyes wide and afraid, like a small child's. "I don't know what to do. I don't even know where to start."

"So let us help you. I didn't agree to be your parabatai just to stand and watch you suffer. Let us be here for you. I know that it's hard, but I promise it'll be worth it"

There was a moment of silence between Jace and Alec. Neither seemed to know how to continue. Jace felt suffocated by the intensity of the power between them. He didn't mind it, though. It was a comforting feeling of suffocation.

At the same moment, Jace and Alec shot up and embraced each other tightly. Even after everything they'd been through, everything they'd said or done, they still were parabatai. And Jace would always be grateful for that.

"Thank you," Jace said softly. "For everything."

Alec reached over and touched Jace's parabatai rune. "Always."

Rowan's POV

It was dark, and it smelled bad. Those were the two things Rowan noticed when she finally found her new room. She could tell it was hers because there wasn't anything in it. It dawned on her that she'd never had any material items until Isabelle had given her pajamas. But she'd ruined that for herself. Any chance Rowan had of ever being free was gone, vanished. Looking back on it now, Rowan realized there was never any chance at all. She'd either be punished for being an accomplice to a murder done by Sebastian Morgenstern or forced back into her father's clutches. The realization made Rowan fall to her knees and cry.

She was completely, utterly, trapped.

A loud slam shook Rowan from her thoughts. She saw a sliver of light before the darkness returned. Two strong arms pulled her up from the ground and forced her out the door. Before she could see where she was, a rough cloth went over her eyes, making her whimper in fear. Never before had Rowan been so terrified.

She felt a strong pull on her arms as the two people holding her began walking. She struggled, trying to rip her arms from their grasp, but to no avail. Nevertheless, she kept fighting and screaming.

Suddenly, Rowan felt herself lift off the ground and then for a split second, she was freefalling. The ground was hard and cold when she slammed onto it. With her hands being free, Rowan reached up to remove the blindfold when something – a foot – rammed into her side, causing her to cry out.

A hand roughly grabbed the back of her shirt and pulled her up, choking her slightly. "Are you done?" a man's voice growled in her ear. Rowan whimpered and nodded. "Good, cause I'd hate to have to punish you further. I wouldn't want to anger Lord Sebastian. We only get rewarded when we stay on his good side, and you seem like a lovely reward to ask for."

The idea of being the "reward" for this man made Rowan shiver. She clenched her fists and continued forward blindly until a voice spoke that gave her goosebumps.

"What is it that you think you are doing?" Sebastian asked icily. "Why is my daughter blindfolded?"

Rowan wanted to cry at those words. She hated this man, her father. Despite being completely undeserving, all Rowan wanted was to be back at the Institute. Jace was a better father to her than Sebastian ever was, even if it was only for a few weeks.

"I–I'm sorry, Lord Sebastian," the man, the one who had just threatened her, said. "She was being difficult and –"

Two loud bangs went off, causing Rowan to scream and the tight grips on her arms to fall away. Breathing heavily, Rowan ripped the blindfold off and turned to see two men lying on the ground, bleeding profusely and their eyes open in fear. Rowan cried out and stumbled back until two hands grabbed her.

"Shh, shh, it's alright," Sebastian whispered in her ear. "They won't bother you again."

Rowan wanted to vomit. "You… they… what did you do?" Rowan exclaimed.

"I killed them," Sebastian replied calmly. Rowan spun around to see her father holding a peculiar machine. "It's a gun, Rowan. They don't work on demons, unfortunately, seeing as they work much faster than any blade or arrow. Nevertheless, they work wonderfully on shadowhunters, as you can see."

"By the angel," Rowan whispered, sinking down to her knees.

Sebastian chuckled. "I see your father and his family have rubbed off on you."

Rowan froze. "'I see your father…,' What are you talking about?"

Sebastian grabbed Rowan's arm and yanked her to her feet. "Are you really that stupid," he spit out. "Jace is your father. I'm your uncle. I kidnapped you and tortured you, proving that I am stronger. They will never win."

"I–I do not understand. You said –," Rowan whispered.

Sebastian turned around and began walking down the hallway. "All in due time. Now come, Rowan. We have much to discuss."

 **Alright! That's the chapter! I hope you all enjoyed it! Don't forget to review! If you want some incentive, I need some help. I have planned out this entire story but I have no idea how I want this to end. So, if you guys have any ideas, please let me know!**

 **Thanks for reading!**

 **-M**


	10. I'm sorry, but I swear it's important

Hey guys!

I want to start off by apologizing to everyone. I know that waiting on a chapter can be really annoying, especially when you've been waiting for months. (I actually don't know if anyone is following my story and/or checking to see when I update, but I like to think someone is. This is for you.) I wanted to explain why this story hasn't been updated, and why when it is updated, the chapters are sort of dull.

In addition to school, mental health, extracurricular activities, etc., I haven't been updating because I haven't felt a lot if any, inspiration lately. I started writing this story in June of 2017. It has been almost two years since I started this story, but you know that... if you have a calendar... and I'm going to assume that you do. If you started following me and/or my story when I first starting publishing, you would know that I put this story on hiatus for a while. I couldn't get myself to want to write, and when I did want to write, I couldn't. I don't know if it was writer's block or if my story was just boring or any other possible reasons. I just couldn't do it.

I'm facing a similar problem now. I don't feel motivated or excited to write this story. In all honesty, it feels like a chore. That's not because anything my readers have done (if there are still any after the long wait). It's completely on me. I promised myself that I would write a chapter for _Tell Me I'm Beautiful_ , then _My Daughter, Rowan_ , and then repeat. I feel excited to write TMIB. If I want to keep my promise (which I do), I have to write an MDR chapter to continue with my other story. It shouldn't be a "have to," though. It should be a "want to." Writing shouldn't feel this way.

That's where you guys come in. Your opinion is important to me. I want to know that people are enjoying what I'm writing and want to come back and read more again and again. However, because I've been struggling so much, I feel like no one wants to come back to MDR, including me. I've been thinking about just deleting the entire story and starting over. I would use the same plot and ideas but just write a brand new story.

I know how annoying it can be for an author to suddenly stop writing and start over on a story. However, it might be the best option, despite the fact that it would be very time consuming and may set back the entire story. Part of me doesn't want to start over. Part of me wants to finish this, but I'm worried that I won't present my best work if I'm forcing myself to write something that I don't want to, something that doesn't feel right.

So, what do you guys want? Should I just stop and start over, or should I try to push through the rest of what I've planned out for my story? Please be aware of the side effects, if you will, of both options.

I don't get a lot of comments normally, so please don't think this is me trying to get more attention. This is me really caring about my work and the people who are reading it. So please review and let me know your opinion. Ultimately, it is my decision, but I do value what you guys have to say.

Thank you and I'm sorry,

M


	11. Update (Sorry!) It's important, I swear

Hi again!

I'm sorry that this still isn't a chapter, but I want to keep you guys updated on what my plan is.

As you know, I posted an update 4/2 around 11:00 pm (4 days ago). Because I posted it so late, I didn't expect a lot of people to see the update, let alone comment on it, because I uploaded it so late. However, as of about five minutes ago, I have almost 30 views on said update, but only one comment. That is, in all honestly, frustrating. It makes me feel like people don't care. I don't fault those of you who don't, because I am sort of lacking interest as well. (All of that is explained in the previous chapter if you haven't read it.) I also have noticed something that makes me kind of sad: my first chapter has gotten 50 views since 4/1, but my second chapter only has 13. That makes me feel like people aren't interested in my story. The fact that it seems that that many people are leaving my story, and so early on, is kind of discouraging.

All that being said, I've decided to start this story over. Sort of. In the next few days, I plan on posting a trial run, of sorts. If it goes well, this new version will (probably, but we'll have to see) follow the same plot. I might change Rowan's name, though. Just look for the message in the description that says that it's the new version.

Love you all! Thanks for your understanding!

-M


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